Heaven Only Knows

Brand New Past

2011-09-18T20:45:00.000-07:00

So many funerals recently. Too many goodbyes. It's caused me to desperately cling to what I remember of them. I miss you all... Picking up my rose colored glasses, this blog is for you... I choose to only remember the good. Creating a brand new past... nothing sad, other than that fact that those days are gone. Here we go:

Hello 80's... been a long time. I remember Klepinger Rd. Anxiously awaiting my Aunt Linda to come over and play with me. I miss her laugh, I miss her crooked feet lol, she made me pigeon toed and never knew it. She drove a stick with both feet.. she was an original- but I wanted to be her clone. She would come in and kick off her shoes, sit down and immediately overlap her feet... i copied her. I wanted to be her. Now I look exactly like her and her own children can't stand to look at me. My hair, my eyes, my hips and my smile... all Aunt Linda. I miss you.

I remember Luther Vandross blaring from the stereo- "It's so amazing to be loved... I'd follow you to the mooooon in sky above"... me too. I remember my mother singing at the top of her lungs trying to capture each and every butterflied run that came out of his mouth. Or what about Anita Baker... she was ALWAYS present, "Giving you the best that I've got!"... ohh man. I actually thought my mama KNEW Ashford and Simpson the way she would perform it at every barbecue..."SOLID!!..SOLID AS A ROCK!"

I miss my daddy. I miss waiting for him to get off work so I could help him take off his smelly work boots and steal half eaten candy bars out of his stinky work bucket. I miss the sound of his laugh... and that gap in between his teeth. I miss how big his belly was and how it seemed to sit upon the skinniest legs ever! I miss his curly hair and hazel eyes. ---I can't stop these tears--- I miss the gang of family that was always around him. He loved his family so much. I miss our "Detroit" Stevenson's that would keep us up waaaay past our bedtimes waiting for them to arrive. The moment we gave up that waiting and just crawl in the bed, they would always end up pulling into the driveway... it would ALWAYS end up being an all night affair! In the morning there would be kids and adults strewn all over the house sleep. I miss yaw. I miss Aunt Mary who was like my second mama! I miss Uncle Lonnie who liked hangin' out and playing in the yard with the kids more than the adults. I miss "us" being the 3 musketeers! If you saw one, the other 2 weren't too far away.

I miss stealing pickles with my cousins. I remember that summer in Newnan, Georgia at Aunt Gent's house where we all messed up our ankles running through the Georgia pines at midnight. Those were the days. I remember the feeling of "home". Of knowing that whenever I stepped through the door, I had my mother, my father, my sister & brother just on the other side. All Together.

I remember when there were still houses that led allll the way down Gramont avenue- before they put the highway there. My grandparents had so many friends and neighbors and it was non-stop porch sittin', gossipin' across the yards and yelling greetings back and forth! I remember walking down to the store at the bottom of that hill on Gramont that resembled a small hut, but always had the best Chico-Sticks. That made me smile. I remember those raggedy cats that used to hang in my grandparents yard because he fed them everything! I miss eating fresh produce from my grandaddy's farm. I miss waking up with my grandfather before the sun came up, drinking his maxwell house coffee that he brewed from this super old coffee maker. You could see the coffee bubbling at the top. I would go back to sleep and wake up to the sounds of "The Young & The Restless" that my granny watch faithfully everyday, followed by The Price is Right!

I miss the holidays. Daddy loved them so much. It was the time where family "didn't have a choice" but to all be together. I miss everybody hiding in their own corner of the house wrapping presents. I miss Christmas morning as child. It was always snow on the ground, and the nights were always filled with food, wood ablaze in the fireplace and the "itis" making everybody lay out with pants unzipped in front of it.

I remember being on my Uncle Eric's boat and almost drowning in the lake after falling off of the intertube that he pulled us on. I miss his jerry curl too! lolol

I miss how slow my grandma Bessie talked- lol! That was my daddy's sweetheart. I miss my dad's cousin/brother, Uncle Will.. you'd never know they weren't brothers. They always talked the loudest, sang the loudest and wore the loudest clothes... I miss yaw. I miss my grandma Emily, who always wanted you to fix her food, only, she wanted you to "put it in a cup".. trying to pretend she wasn't eating a lot! lolol.. she would ask you to fill up that cup like 60 times during the course of a dinner!

My heart aches for it all. It churns in my belly... white hot pangs of sadness. I want my son to know you all. I want him to know the "stock" in which he came from. They all live in me and now him. Why didn't I know that those truly were awesome days? I remember when they were all here. I think I like my "rose colored" glasses. They block out the things that devastated me.... I only want to see these things..

I think I'll stay here awhile ... in my carefully sculpted, New Past...

Talk to the Pen...

2011-08-15T00:46:00.000-07:00

Yeah, sis, He's just sayin' you can do betta
Just know, all Drake is tryna do is get you wetta
Lay aside your inhibitions
All of your intuition
Things that tell you that he's really just trippin'
You wanted it just as bad as sin
So why you mad and wanna blame him?
It's all the same
Flyy sistahs givin' they treasure to the lames...
Can't point the finger when I too can be blamed
Your brown is divine
But you're insecure, so you let it keep you behind
Never that go getter
Nervous, got the coffee jitters
Too scared to go higher
So you just stay low and bitter
Why am I comin' all out the cuff, you ask?

You askin' me questions, but the answer's make me sick...
So Imma answer 'em through my Bic

Chasin' peace with a tiny piece of mind
Claimin' it, hopin' to make it mine
Openin' my bible tryna consume a meal
Lookin' for meat
But I need my back teeth still
Kinky strands grow from my roots, revealing the truth in His creation
Sistahs on facebook confused, steadily on there debatin'
Glad 'cause with most of it, I can't even relate
It's late
Time sure is winding down
Gettin' my head on straight so I can wear my crown
You say why, why, why... this is my only reply

You askin' me questions, but the answer's make me sick...
So Imma answer 'em through my Bic

My mind gets heavy
So I let the Lord lift it
I look up to the sky becomin' the cloud that's driftin'
So terrific
The way you can escape the world's burn
Remembering the homeland that I'll one day return
I get frustrated with my people and their lack of knowledge
Sittin' around snappin' they fingers like, "Whatchama'callit?"
Famous for one thing, and one thing only
Being the rawest me I can be
Yeah you know I own it
I'm so imperfect and sometimes I love that
I think my imperfections keep me from being wack
Feel that,
And all that comes with it, why you askin' me...
Let me just repeat it

You askin' me questions, but the answer's make me sick...
So Imma answer 'em through my Bic

:::Drops The Mic:::

Copyright © 2011- Disciple Latter Reign

Drop The Mic- Series...

2011-07-31T09:45:00.000-07:00

I guess my questions is, what made you think it was cool to just live ya life recklessly?? You're sittin' at the "beautiful gate" of possibility, and instead of just walkin' in on your own, you've decided it would be better to just take your mat and sit there beggin' for somebody else's increase! GET UP!

Whatsoever God purposes and creates, He also gives the ability to FULFILL it's purposes! It's already in you. The reason it may not be functioning is because you haven't activated it with The Holy Spirit! The Holy Spirit is that deposit to your DP&L (Power & Light)! If you don't have your "Holy Deposit", YOU WILL just be sitting in the dark, in a building that has the ABILITY to have Light, but hasn't been activated! Why would God make a thing, but then make it impossible for it to fulfill its purposes? Doesn't even sound right. That's because He'd never do that.

So why you spend your time getting wasted, seeking one dumb suicidal thrill after another, you totally missed it! Don't you realize that it will never be enough? You keep trying to find the next fix and the next because it's really not doing the trick! Let me say this plainly, the only thing that will EVER bring you joy, satisfaction, peace, pleasure, excitement, love and fulfillment is JESUS!! The ONLY thing! Not ya man/woman... not your promiscuous ways, not your husband/wife, not your children, mother, father, sister brother uncle nephew neice granny gramps playcousin playmama babydaddy sugadaddy/mama MONEY DRUGS & HOES (oh my!)- NOBODY BUT JESUS!! When you stop making these people and things your God, only then will you begin to know true peace and contentment.

The funniest thing happens when people achieve the "things" they thought would make them happy. When they get it and find out that they still have a gaping hole in their inner being, they become further depressed and desperate. They think, "I thought THIS would make me happy... what am I going to do??"... the word says, "What profit a man to gain the whole world, but lose his own soul!" That is a sad day. When you finally get the man you've been searching for, the house, the picket fence dog & child, only to discover that you're still the same old wretched self that you were before!

God is the only one that can make things right! On facebook, I feel so sad. I see so many beautiful women on there, with absolutely no sense of self worth. If she thinks you're sexy enough, she'll give you the booty, even though she may make you wait a little bit to try and "appear" as if she's not easy. Look at what the world has taught you sis! It has taught you that marriage is no longer something to wait for and if you like him, just give all of your treasure to him. This is why so many of my sisters are obliterated at the end of a relationship that has no contract! You're essentially giving away your most precious gems to somebody that has signed no contract to care for it, so if they damage it in any way, there are no repercussions. You wouldn't do this with money, so why would you do it with your body or life?

Why? Because your own life demonstrates that money & cars are more important than you!

Get ya weight up! You're LOSING this race....

:::drops the mic:::

Expect the Unexpected..TVB

2011-07-18T21:13:00.000-07:00

Expect the Unexpected... in The Valley.

The scene: I'm sittin' here, Jasmine incense filling my nostrils, twirling the swollen kinks in my long hair. Feeling calm. This season has been an extremely interesting one. I've been walking with my Savior, allowing Him to show me every tactic that the enemy uses against us. Some were "AHA" moments, some were complete discoveries. This, however---> totally unexpected.

Over the past few days, the Lord has been revealing to myself and my husband, that the weapons we've used in the past were ineffective. I mean, not just ineffective... more like USELESS! Imagine my surprise when the Lord is flat out saying things like, "This is why you lose".... yeah... with the FAT 'L' on my forehead. Although, I was aware of the fact that the weapons we're supposed to fight with, aren't the human weapons we're used to, I have apparently still been using said weapons, expecting to win.

Anger-

^{[Eph. 26-27]}
^"Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry. Don't give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life."

I was out for revenge. I wanted to "get" satan... like, what does that even look like?? Who can even tell me what it looks like to "get" satan?? I don't even know what that fool looks like, let alone "get" him... and when I did "GET" satan... what was I gonna do to him? Foolishness!! I wasn't just angry though... angry is a pretty and frilly word to describe a current state of being upset about something. I was BITTER!! Bitter is more of a BOTTOM LINE state of being. I mean just chew on a bucket of ice cold lemons with NO salt and you'll begin to see what I mean --->that was me. I don't even know why I'm saying "was" because the way I see it, this is gonna take a while. Here I've been seething mad at satan, as if bitterness and anger alone was gonna make him stop messing with me. Much like the way dogs growl at those they feel are a threat to them. Let me break this down:

More times than not, anger comes from fear. Have you ever met somebody that was sooooooooooooo mean to people, but when you really got to know them, they're the sweetest person you've ever met? They are that way because of fear. If they can intimidate people enough, then people won't too much mess with them, or discover just how soft they are and possibly hurt them in some way. Afraid to love, afraid to be hurt... just afraid. So... it comes out in anger.

That was me. I've spent just about my whole existence in fear of loving people and life, the way I should because I've been hurt so badly along the way. Now I see it this way: Being mean, makes me a punk. Loving with my whole heart, even when faced with being badly hurt, makes me brave. I'm learning to be brave.

On the fighting front: Love is the strongest weapon we have in the whole GAMUT of weapons! 1 John 4:17-18 -There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear. If the reason for my anger and bitterness is fear... then this scripture points to love as my cure. You can NOT, I repeat, CANNOT cure your own heart. If you could, it would've been taken care of a long time ago! Who wants to live like this?? The only way for it to be done at all, is for God to do this one all on His own. Luke 16:15- He said to them, “You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of men, but God knows your hearts..."...

I don't know my heart. So here I am, understanding that number one, If I want to fight and win, I'm gonna have to love HARD!! Number two- my fight is not to square up with satan and think that it's goin' down like that, rather, my fight is to stay in line with God and what He has for me. To deny the enemy access to me through his many efforts and means to trip me up. This has been the main idea of this Valley Battle series that I've been in: That Love is and will always be the ONLY thing that conquers and obtains the victory.

Much different from where I began, because I was [understandably] pissed off when I discovered some of the things that the enemy was doing to hurt and threaten me and mine. However, now, the Lord is desiring to heal my heart, thereby, winning my battle through love. <<---when you write contracts all day, the words "thereby, hereunto & herein" become a ridiculously irritating recurrence in your vocabulary *sigh*... but I digress...

God desires your heart, the enemy seeks to ruin it, to make it muddy and hard...but My God wants to make it clean-again- soft, good and strong. I choose His way...

This might just be the end of this particular session in The Valley... but we'll see.... I know that I'm not done learning... so I'm sure I'll be back soon.

Love you all.. Pray my strength and my continued Evolution...in The Valley...

Daddy's Girl... TVB

2011-06-10T20:28:00.000-07:00

Daddy's Girl....TVB...

Yo, true story... the spirit world is ALIVE!!! For some reason, we just don't believe it. It's an out of sight, out of mind deal with we humans. We assume that just because we can't see these fools harassing us and brow-beating us in the flesh----- they just don't exist!! NOT TRUE!!! Case in point:

The last time I was on here, I told you all that I'd found enemy barracks... I saw where they kept my ishhh AND I saw the weapons that they use in order to KEEP them. I went in to get my ish... but before I went in initially, I told you all that it was going to be madd live rounds being shot my way! They still are....

It was like, One day I'm sitting on the phone with one my closest friends, telling them how the enemy was NOT going to take something in particular away from me. THE VERY NEXT DAY.... the enemy launched an all out assault in the very area that I SWORE He wasn't going to take. Now, I could be just like every other intentionally blindfolded human being and think to myself, "Self... this is not what it looks like! This is just a coincidence. There's no way that satan's goons are actually trying to test me in this area!" ... Self, you're absolutely lying to, well, US! This is exactly what it looks like!

I'm in The Valley. The enemy saw me coming straight for my ishhh... then allz of a sudden they tried to hit me with a low blow. They went for my ministry! I mean straight for it! Then, something interesting happened. It got dark in enemy territory. Only it got dark for THEM!

While I had been blown away by just how real the spirit world is to me, I hadn't said anything about just how real the Spirit of God is to me now! I can feel Him all over me. Showing me where the enemy is trying to steal, kill and destroy me. Now, I can add THIS to the reality of His Presence: He not only destroyed the enemy working behind this particular "Puppet Show", but He then gave a stern warning to the next person who would ever try to hurt me or my ministry again. I was dumbfounded.....

Wow, sounds like the EPITOME of a Father, to me. He basically said, "You ever do my baby wrong again, you won't be able to accumulate any wealth for 3-5 years"... I love Him sooooo!! What can I say other than...

I'm a Daddy's Girl :) Happy Father's Day is everyday for me. I love you, Daddy! You are His Majesty, The ONLY wise God...... there is nobody Greater than You!

Being Spoiled.... even in The Valley. Continue to Pray... the ammo is real....

Spiritual Oppression...TVB

2011-06-04T16:35:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen... I'm tired.

Not really just about being in The Valley... but the level of exhaustion I'm feeling let's me know that it's Spiritual Oppression. Peep this definition: Oppression- A feeling of being heavily weighed down in mind or body.

This is what I feel. I feel like I'm literally carrying a laundry bag of BRICKS on my back! I get tired really quickly but it can't be physical.... it's too heavy. It's like a fog. You see I haven't put anything in this blog in days.... been too tired. When I have a minute to actually write in my blog, all I want to do is sleep. So... now that I'm aware of the fog... I can begin to burn it away with the SON!!! There is no light that's brighter... no fire that's hotter than The Son! So let me pull out my sWord to see which part of it I need to use to slice up the enemy...

What's really interesting is, as I sit here waiting to hear a word from God about Oppression, I'm being brought to scriptures about demonic activity in the bible. Which is fitting because it is spiritual enemies that oppress us in the physical. I thought i would find scriptures about Oppression to stand on, but what God is telling me is that we're about to have to go into "live action"....again! This is going to take action! It's going to take my MOUTH & my FAITH!!! I will have to use authority in Christ to cast the enemy OFF & AWAY from me AND my house! Good thing I'm married, because I can use the agreement God gave us to battle this thing out!!

I was reminded about Saul who had been disobedient to God and the Lord Most High sent demons TO him to torture him. The sWord says this: 1 Sam. 16:15-16-- 15 Saul's attendants said to him, "See, an evil spirit from God is

tormenting you. 16 Let our lord command his servants here to search for someone who can play the harp. He will play when the evil spirit from God comes upon you, and you will feel better."

Now here is something interesting. The sWord is showing how powerful music is... it can actually cast out demons! Saul is asking for a musician (David) to come and play the Harp for him so that the demons will leave! Awesome! So I know that music is an option.... yet I'm still being stopped in my tracks as I write this. I will need to update you later on the happenings. I'm just now figuring out that Jesus sent me here to FOR REAL get MY STUFF!!

Folks, I'm going into "Live Action" and I don't know when I'll be able to break to fill you in on what's going. Something awesome just happened while I sat here looking through Scriptures to stand on and use during this battle. While looking, I found the enemies stash! I found the ROOT of the attacks taking place in my life and my family's life! The two "Atomic" bombs so to speak. The GO-TO weapons when all else fails against me. Wow... that was NOTHING BUT JESUS!!! He will not only walk with you and show you the way out... He will show you where these fools have hidden your peace and your freedom ANNNNDD show you what their using to keep taking it from you! My God is AMAZING!

Think about it: I'm coming up against lack, poverty, depression, illness, slothfulness and the likes... well the root of all of these things seem to be these two tactics- Flooding & Oppression. (Go and look back at the Noah TVB Post) The enemy floods me with situations to try to overwhelm me... then while I'm Spiritually overwhelmed, he oppresses me by PHYSICALLY making my body feel heavy. I can feel it in my bones to the point where I don't want to move. I can't get off the couch... I barely want to get out of bed. The Oppression settles in my eye sockets and all I want to do is lay down and sleep. This is not a natural thing for somebody my age! This is Spiritual... I'm headed into Enemy Barracks... please cover me in prayer.

CELEBRATE FRIENDS... I'm on my way to getting free!!! With heavy tears in my eyes... I'm gonna have to say: To be continued....

Now is the time to pray FOR REAL friends......In The Valley!!

Call me Noah...TVB

2011-05-30T09:24:00.000-07:00

So, it's been a few days. Not on purpose though...I actually wrote a blog day before yesterday and it got erased. I'm still outrageously pissed about that too! Some updates here in the Valley- Got someone saved while I was here= Proof that no matter where you are in your walk, God's work can still be done! But I digress...

So, I'm walking through the Valley with Jesus... and it pisses me off that most of the time, i never know the lessons as i'm looking at them... it's not until after the fact.

Annoyed.

I looked around and realized that it was all falling to pieces... I was being attacked in every direction! There was so much going on around me, I didn't even know where to start! It was up to my chest until i realized what all was happening: I was in a flood. Here's the technique: Flooding- To cover or submerge with; To completely overwhelm with something.

This technique is one of the enemy's best! It's when they "Make it rain" on your pretty lil head! They dump so much crap on you that you literally can't understand what to do or how to stop it! It's easy when the day consists of one or two major attacks on the battlefield... but when it's 8 or 9... and sometimes more- you think that there's no way you can fight it. I mean what part of the sword could you even use for a million different situations that happen all at once?!?!

Welp folks... during this series of major attacks all at once, a sistah like me went straight Noah on the enemy and built an ARK!!! The word says this: Isa. 59:19- When the enemy comes like a raging flood tide, the Spirit of the Lord will drive him back. I'm so thankful for our Lord.... He literally says here that when the enemy tries to drown you in fears, poverty, depression, lack, bitterness and confusion... He will DRIVE the enemy back off of you!

He rescues us friends. He's our Savior! I love my God so! What we can't do for ourselves He will do! The most important part of this lesson for me was the understanding of my own weakness. My weakness and total dependence upon the Lord is truly my strength! The Sword says this- 2 Cor. 12:9- But he told me: "My kindness is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak." So I will brag even more about my weaknesses in order that Christ's power will live in me. Yesss.... I'm so weak! I need Him to rescue me! When the enemy tries to drown my in my fears and short-comings and I turn to God, who IS my help, only then will victory be mine! I couldn't stop or even see all the attacks coming my way... but God could and I sought Him for my help. Victory.

I once again used my Sword to slice off the hands of the enemy! As you exit this blog, try not to slip on the blood of the enemy... he's lost again!

Pray my strength friends......................................In The Valley.

Pulling Strings...TVB

2011-05-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

The Puppeteer...TVB

I was aware yesterday, thanks to my Jesus. He told me not to be lulled into a false sense of security. I knew enough to enjoy the peace of the day, but arm myself with the truth [My Truth. My Sword= His Word]. The truth was, "I'm still on The Valley's Battlefield". I'm so thankful to be able to hear Him and I know that He won't leave me through this process because it is absolutely necessary for me, and for the others behind me, to PAY ATTENTION!

Today I got "live action". Let me try and some up the day. I got up this morning with the hubby... my son was close behind us. We fed him, he played. He busted his lip on one of his toys. He fussed and cried. His gums bled, his lip got swollen. He healed. Later on, after my workout, I took my shower. I come out of the shower to hearing my son and husband making weird noises in the living room. I heard my husband faintly call out to me. He was afraid. I ran naked into the hallway to find that the sounds I heard were the sounds of my son choking to death. My husband was trying to do a maneuver on him to make him spit up what he was choking on. It didn't work. I ran up to them and just did what my instincts told me to do: i stuck my finger into his mouth and down his throat. I went in there to get whatever it was out. I ended up gagging him and it made him throw it up. I was shaking. I cried. I was PISSED OFF!!! He healed. Me= still pissed. I didn't want to talk to another person. Ever.

My husband was frazzled for the rest of the day. His blood pressure apparently skyrocketed because he ended up with terrible headache. I was worried about that. Unable to think clearly he just became a zombie throughout the rest of the day. I'm already irritated by all that happened today so I'm not sensitive to his plight. Just as we are halfway through dinner, Jo wakes up screaming and crying. We wait it out, hoping he'll just fall asleep again. Didn't happen. My hubby can't take it anymore- he goes to get our son. Jo's eyes are huge, red and puffy. It makes me soooo sad to look at his precious little face like that. I want to cry..........again. We feed him a small bottle, play a little bit. He gets sleepy again and we lay him down. Cries a little but goes to sleep. Hubby is so done with this day he can barely deal with any of it. I feel exhausted, we can barely look at each other from sheer exhaustion. He ends up taking some Tylenol PM and heads to bed.

Now........Here I sit. Typing away, staring at everything that Jesus has put before me today to see. The scripture that is blaring in my mind is this: [Eph. 6:12]-This is not a wrestling match against a human opponent. We are wrestling with rulers, authorities, the powers who govern this world of darkness, and spiritual forces that control evil in the heavenly world.

Today in The Valley, I witnessed a spiritual puppet show. I saw my family being used spitefully to make me distraught. I mean lets just call it what it is.... these bastards used my husband and my son to illicit dangerous emotions and fears in me. They threatened my son's life to make me afraid. They threatened my husband's sanity and health by causing him to be frustrated and feel totally out of control today. It caused me to fear losing him too. I'm exposing this for two reasons: 1) The things you hide in the dark, whether it be for shame or for safe keepings, will eventually come to light. 2) There is no consequence of me revealing this! My family is covered by the Blood of Jesus and I refuse to allow the enemy to try and put me in bondage of fear!!! This.............is my battle!

So sad, dear Puppeteer.... you have been revealed again. Thank you Jesus for walking with me on this Journey! Deal with me in the places of my fear, O' God! Heal my emotions, Lord. Remove the fear I have of losing my husband and my son... they mean the world to me. Although, this fear isn't uncommon, the God I serve IS an uncommon God! There is no one like you Jesus! Therefore I know that even something as scary and tormenting as dealing with the fear of losing your loved ones, can still be conquered. Heal me God. I don't want to be bound anymore.

The spirit behind them wanted to bind me in fear. It was a threat. The threat was this, "Michelle, if you continue on this path, I'll hurt the ones you love most". My response, "No you won't. Bottom line, no matter what happens... I'm coming for my damn peace of mind and if you have it, you better act like you don't because I'm coming straight for it." My God protects me always... read this: [Psalm 27:1]- [By David.] The LORD is my light and my salvation. Who is there to fear? The LORD is my life's fortress. Who is there to be afraid of?

I will be using this scripture whenever I feel afraid of anything. He is the Author and He is the Finisher, I need to trust that He knows what's He's doing and also that my Jesus is the stronghold of my life and is a fierce protector of what belongs to Him--->> Me + My family + You= Whom shall I fear?

Pray my strength, friends............................. In The Valley.

The Deception-TVB

2011-05-24T13:25:00.000-07:00

The Deception....

Today is gravy. It feels as if nothing in the world is wrong. I mean, I could just go and float my lil self on a cloud and totally believe that I'm allllllll good! Papa is home with me having a great time with just me and baby boy. It feels great outside annnnnnd, I had me some coffee so you KNOW I'm happy! Coffee makes me feel like the world is a PEACH!

How-some-ever! It's not! If i put my guard down now i will, indeed, be clobbered. Nothing is all good.......yet! I know that the enemy is trying to lull me into a false sense of security. I have not yet been delivered. That battle is still on. The enemy is absolutely in hiding waiting for me to be naked and unaware so he can attack. That's why until I know, I will remain on guard. The Lord says in Matthew 10:16- I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.

I'm through with the thought that every quiet moment is meant to lay down my sword and pretend i'm not battling. When you're in a battle, even when there's no live fire, the enemy is still plotting the next attack. Be a step or two ahead at all times. I am, afterall, still in the Valley. I'm on a mission to get back my stuff!

Sometimes I will be the one to attack! If i'm going to get my stuff that means, "I won't bust-back, because I'm shootin' first"! Don't be deceived. The enemy will lay low to make you think it's all in your head. Take it from me: You are still in the Valley. You are still fighting. You are still looking for your stuff. It's not over until He says so! Appreciate the peace, but always be ready to use your sword if need be. Start your day with the Sword, end your day with Sword. Lets. Go.

Shrewd as a snake, gentle as doves. Pray my strength............. In the Valley.

The "Fall Out"... TVB

2011-05-24T00:06:00.000-07:00

The Fall Out...

What happens in the Valley... whomever you meet in the Valley, must- stay- in- the- valley.

Now that I have my sword in my hand ready to swing, the Lord brought my eyes to see all the "Valley Dwellers" around me. These are people who like the darkness. They have actually made the Valley their home. People who love nothing more than to have an excuse to be here.... in The Valley. Doesn't that sound ridiculous to you? It made perfect sense to me. I was one of them.

I, too, was a Valley Dweller. I was somebody that, if you sat with me long enough, you could find out every horrible thing that has ever happened to me. I would even use it under the guise of being my "testimony". Yeah, sometimes it's necessary to tell somebody where you've been so they know they can make it. However, a Valley Dweller, doesn't wait for such occasions. Any willing listener could get an earful of all the woeful things dealt me. So now that I've picked up my vagabond sack and decided it's time to move out of Hades, I must now "Fall Out" of fellowship with other Valley Dwellers. Sure, sometimes it may get lonely...but I know that Jesus will make His presence known to me while I'm here. He will fill up the lonely places, that no man could ever fill anyway. This is not a party... this is a battle, which means there will be struggle.

You Valley Dwellers are no longer a part of me. We are no longer friends. When you send me a super long text about stuff you KNOW ain't right... extra long emails about how horrible your lives are... weepy phone calls about how satan is "busy" in your lives and every ailment in the book is happening to you right now... expect me to screen your calls and never respond to your texts. I will not be dragged into another person's drama for a long time after this because I have to protect my newly found mindset. There are probably those who will test me to see if it's them I'm talking about-- I truly don't care! I'm coming out of this joint and I will be unscathed! This is a battle and battles are bloody, ruthless and nasty! Surely there will be casualties.

So as I walk through this place with my sword in hand kicking away Valley Dwellers and their drama, I'm totally validated by 2 Cor. 6:14-Be you not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship has righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion has light with darkness?

I know that seeking His light and His righteousness is the right thing to do. Falling out of fellowship with ANYTHING dark has always been the plan for us. Are we not escaping this dark place to reach the light??? So how can I still be "boys" with the darkness surrounding me? Can't happen. I'm in hot pursuit of light!! The bible describes this as being unequally yoked. Being unequally yoked is putting two things together that just can't fit. Think of a square peg trying to fit in a round hole, or more fittingly, a pessimist trying to be friends with an optimist. These two inherently have opposite views, are going in opposite directions and for real need to just leave each other alone. The truth is, being around Valley Dwellers will only wrap a leash around my leg and tether it the ground. If I'm gonna be in pursuit of the light and moving steadily towards my mark, that means your crap is going to have to stay in your own toilet.

They're everywhere! So I will definitely be on the lookout for people who love to hate joy and are enamored with their own misery... because remember...i just fell out of agreement with my own! This is a solitary journey, and just like being born, nobody can do this with me.

Continue to pray my strength................. In The Valley.

TVB- Ch.1

2011-05-23T19:42:00.000-07:00

The Valley Battle Ch. 1

Okay, I've currently done my initial work. I've descended into the valley and gotten myself into position. I made a solid decision that I will no longer be in agreement with depression, lack, poverty, bitterness and sickness. That means when any of those situations come up against me--- I FIGHT! Tonight, I'm getting every scripture I can find concerning those things and I will read them aloud whenever I see them rear their ugly heads!

Why am I taking this approach first? The Word of God is my sword. The word says this: Hebrews 4:12- For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.

You know them demons?? Them fools you can't see but can feel? You know them, right?! The ones who use people and situations to try and destroy you- for we wrestle NOT against flesh and blood! You know who I'm talkin' about... because although you would love nothing more then to put on yo sneakers, wipe yo face down with vaseline, snatch off yo earrings and anything else loose that can be snatched off and take they aye double Yazzez in the street and whoop them BECAUSE THEY STOLE SOMETHIN'!!!!.... you can't. They are spirit... you can't whoop spirit by mortal means!

You must use The Sword. You must BELIEVE the sword and its miraculous and SuperNatural Power! Without faith, it is IMPOSSIBLE to please God (hebrews 11:6). If you don't believe His Word... what could you possibly be believing. You can't chop and dice His word up like a tomato... nah, you gotta believe that whole thang... --yeah i said thang because it's that serious!

So here i am... leaning my whole weight, laying down all my lil strength, letting the tears fall where and when they may and allowing myself to be open like the Heavens are to ANYONE that might believe. I will win. Everyday I will try to blog. I will discuss each struggle as they come... which scripture I use to defeat them, each thing i do to confuse and confound the enemy........................ but first= I fall out of agreement with it all.

I will no longer just sit and take HIT after bloody HIT from the enemy! Whenever I feel low... whenever I feel sad... whenever I'm sitting in lack.. whenever I can't afford something... whenever I'm pissed to the HIGHEST... whenever, wherever, whatever.... I will act instead of just sit there and allow. Out of agreement. Got my Sword. No need to sharpen it because it can NEVER become dull. Now I'm ready to swing. Let's. Go.

Pray my strength friends................. In The Valley.

The Valley...

2011-05-23T14:48:00.000-07:00

I'm no fool. I know that I've been led here so that I show another the way out. I'm going to journal the whole way through to leave a trail. Call me the Harriett Tubman of The Valley. I've been enslaved, I've made my bed in Massah's house... I even tried to make it comfy, so as not to face the fact that........... i'm gonna have to fight for my freedom eventually. Some days, slavery didn't feel so bad. Other days, I couldn't fathom even putting one toe out of my bed. For years. I thought that if i just did this and a little of that... had that person with me or ate that thing, that it would eventually right itself. It was my fault anyway. Several things that came my way that i did to myself, made it hard to see the things that were totally out of my control. It was just easier to blame me.

Fight or flight mode. Live in a state of panic or fear long enough and you'll train your brain to either be anxious or depressed. I've been ducking and dodging this part of my journey for a loooooooong time. Now I'm here to stay and fight. I'm going to go ahead and walk straight through this Valley and win. Then leave my mile markers behind for all those who will come behind me, are still there by the time I come out and who were hiding in the same places I was so they wouldn't have to go through it.

Confrontation. This is a fight for my Joy. A fight for everything I've lost over the years due to lack, depression, no ambition or energy to seize what's mine. I'm about to confront everything that stands in the way of the exit to this Valley. Every demon in hell... i want you to know... i'm coming out and I will win. Jesus is walking through this with me. He's holding my hand and He's showing me the way out. If you try to hold on to my clothes, I'll burn you with fire, and you better not try and touch my body. If you try to touch me your arms are gonna be broken in the name of Jesus! I will call ALL of my protection, legions of God's Army to stand in my defense you even THINK you're gonna harm my family IN JESUS' NAME!!! Now i need for you to see that this is a spiritual contract... it's not a threat... it's damn Law!! I'm coming out of this alive and well, healed and whole. Stand back and watch me!

Psalm 23:4-6

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil; For You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup runs over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the LORD

Forever.

Severe Thunderstorm Warning in My Head

2011-05-14T22:29:00.000-07:00

Sleep would be awesome right now. Apparently that's not for me tonight. I feel like there are a million things screaming for my attention during this time and I have no idea where to start. Awakened by an "any hour of the day" habitual texter and the sound of my husband pissed off about it... God help my mouth. People truly don't understand how much crap goes on in my day... so when I ask you to text me within certain hours of the day... dude that's exactly what I mean. Our issues run deeper than tonight though.. she and I have had yeeeeaaarrrs of us getting on each other's last eva lovin' nerves. The next time will be soooo ugly... and totally on purpose. Now I don't know if I'll be able to sleep before the New day barges through my window proclaiming itself...

So here's me emptying out my brain so that nothing else lives in there but z's:

First off, just to let YEW know... the bigger person doesn't need to get the last word... so take that, jerk!!!

I'm a control freak. I don't mean a lil bit= I mean to the point where people's civil liberties could be revoked if i could have it my way. true story.

The battlefield is soooo in the mind. I mean the more i layed there.. the more i could picture myself really doing some damage to somebody... body shots and all... but then the Lord quoted one of my current favorite scriptures, Proverbs 29:18- "Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keeps the law, happy is he".... as soon as I heard that scripture pop intp my head... all the anger and frustration just went away and I could think clearly again. I started to envision the life I want to have and how i want my household to be run. It made me smile and it lifted me.. battle won. However, now I can't sleep from thinking about all of these things that i want!

I think I'm going to sue my apartment complex. Me and the baby had a really bad fall on Friday which landed us both in the E.R. It was completely their fault. Now I don't know what to do... on the one hand... I'm pissed and would totally be doing it to get back at them and MAKE them hold some responsibility for what happened to us! On the other, my God says that vengeance is His... so I can't take that approach with this situation. Maybe we'll tell them the situation and then let them decide how they'll compensate us. Me and my fracture boot will be sitting in their office on Monday, thank you very much! ---spiritual council welcome on this situation---

I'm really buggin' about the future of my Organization. There is so much that must be done in my community but there seems not to be enough people doing anything about it! So me and my Sorors are literally SWAMPED with opportunities that people are hurling our way... i've never seen so many desperate people in my life. We need more people to help us. We need willing and able bodies to take some time out of their schedules to do something that will touch a life. I'm praying that the Lord is about to pour His blessings all over us and this org because we need it. If you know somebody willing to help... tell them to contact me at info@thetasigmalambda.org ... members and volunteers WANTED!!

Hmmmm... is there more? Let's see. Okay, so what i really want to do more than anything in this world right now is do laundry, mop my floors, vacuum the carpet, do some grocery shopping to make a BANGIN' meal and straighten up the rest of the house. JESUS HELP ME!!! What is my DEAL??? It's 1:05 IN THE MERnTiNG!!! #foolishness <<-- omgsh... why did i just put a hashtag on my blog??? This ain't Twitter!! I'm being brainwashed by this dang on Internet! Prayer needed.

Okay, the storm is subsiding... i think. I feel better... guess i just had to let it all hang out for a minute. Whoever takes the time to read this... you are dead wrong if you don't comment lolol... j/k <<---but am i?? hmmmm ...lolol no seriously though, i'm getting goofy which is a good sign! It means that the sandman may have hit me in the face again... let's give sleep another try!

G'night/MornTing Bloggerz :)

Blood & Tears...

2011-04-18T19:38:00.000-07:00

It's me again...

Thank you friend. You're always there when i need you. When i need a blank sheet of paper to write on or when i just need for it to be my perspective and nobody else's. I appreciate my blog.

I feel heavy whenever i look at the news. I see all this senseless blood being shed. People getting shot down like it's hunting season. How will we overcome this in our city? This lil bitty town has enough going on for 4 or 5 cities! From the lack of jobs and poverty to the gangs and wanna be gang activity. I was told the other day that somebody literally got shot in the club because the song they requested didn't get played before someone else's. WHAT?!?! I'm struggling to not just ask my husband to move us somewhere else. He's ready to go... but nowadays... everywhere you go is about the same.

This world's inhabitants fell off a huge cliff a long time ago and now we're nearing the end of that fall. The crash will not be pleasant. The further you have to fall, the more momentum you gain along the way---which means, what started as a penny will end up being an atomic bomb x's a million.

I pray for my city. I mourn for my city like it was an old friend of mine. I'm so sad that the biggest industry in my city is the health care and funeral home businesses. I'm asking the Lord to destroy the foolishness, innocent and not so innocent bloodshed. Pray with me friends, in a few days we will be celebrating the day our Lord shed THE ONLY BLOOD NECESSARY to be made whole again.

He is risen!!! Pray the Lord will resurrect this city again... love u all...

Pride clipped your heels...

2011-04-11T21:03:00.000-07:00

I've learned so very much over the past.... ohhhh 9 months or so. Wisdom like that is just PRICELESS!! I've learned so much about humility and just what it means to be humble. It's a tough lesson, but i've seen first hand what happens when we allow our pride to stand in the way of things. Now i've always been transparent... always open and honest with people... but too much isn't wisdom either. You can say that I've learned where my happy medium is.

I've recently seen what happens to friendships when there is a lack of transparency or offering a level vulnerability. It's interesting because I didn't even know that vulnerability was a prerequisite to humility. It is. When you are so full of pride that you refuse to allow others to see YOU, then you'll be forced to watch a wedge be driven between you and the ones you "say" you love.

Too prideful. Like, the fear of being open and honest about your true self is so great that you'd prefer to put on a facade of unfazed strength. People start to see the facade and they'll ultimately think you're fake.

They don't see that you're afraid to be vulnerable with them. They only see the mask. While you're trying to protect yourself from being hurt, others only see that you're not genuine. I thank God for His redeeming power and awesome love! I've also been witness to how being totally honest and transparent can save friendships, make them stronger and even melt the ice around someone's heart.

I just pray we will all begin to think of how our "defense mechanisms" are creating a rift in our relationships. Sometimes it's just not worth it to try and always "appear" so put together. I believe our imperfections are the things that make us awesome and REAL... not our futile attempts at complete perfection. Proceed in wisdom, but try to find a more authentic self...not a contrived one. Pride & Haughtiness does, after all, go before the fall. That is all.

SoapBox Hypocrite

2011-03-24T13:10:00.000-07:00

This is what i want you to do. Everytime you get up on your soapbox and try to tell somebody else to do something you haven't even BEGUN to master, it pisses me off! You LOVE to talk about the church... aren't YOU the church? You love to talk about ghetto people... don't even LET me start in on you about that!!! You LOVE to hate the very things that you ARE! Here's a tip with love...

Sit down please... wait until those areas of your own life are right before you stand before the jury trying to convict another. You're the biggest critic i know and i still have yet to see all that you preach to others, manifest in your own life. I'm calling you out... and you better feel swell that i'm not doing it by name. Beat it! And oh yeah... TALK TO THE HAND....TALK TO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moving Forward on my Journey...

2011-03-22T11:48:00.000-07:00

I'm deep into my journey... walking along on my path. Trees are everywhere and I know there's a dense forest ahead... yet i keep walking and searching. Searching for the depth inside. That place that is buried because, well, i just like it that way. We bury things we want to go away. I'm now in a scary season. A season where i'm digging up my own bones to bring them back to life. I will either revive them long enough to make them extinct once and for all or ... or i don't know what. Maybe that's the only reason I'll revive them. One way i'm going to succeed in this season: I'm keeping my promise to nurture my blog and forsake Facebook...this is gonna be difficult.

Facebook is the devil for me! lol No. Serious. It is... i find that it distracts me and makes me angry. All i want to do is judge people and point the finger and it makes me feel justified in my judgements!!

Or does it? I realize sometimes that being on Facebook and pointing the finger only distracts me from my own mess. Now I'm sad. I'm sad because there are things i could say to help some folks... yet how can i help somebody when my own life is in shambles?? I would be a fool to say anything at all!

I have way too much going on in my own life and walk to be worried about another.

So here I am. I'm here. Taking the necessary time to be introspective to gain perspective on what comes next. I feel so frustrated. When you're forced to peek in back of you to see the carnage you've left behind and then wonder how in the HELL you're going to make it better... i just-don't-know. I don't feel like i have anyone i can talk to about it, other than God... who is definitely all I need... but you want others to see you and advise you as well.

I don't care who judges me. I don't care who sees my mess and points at me. I don't even care if rumors start from seeing it! I just want it to GET BETTER! I don't know why i feel depressed sometimes... i don't know why sometimes i can't feel Christ working in my life the way i know He is. These are questions that i feel are necessary to be answered moving forward. "Moving Forward"... that's truly all i want.

Matthew 10:16

2011-03-11T15:38:00.000-08:00

Like, who am I really fighting here? Why does it seem like brand new enemies are appearing out of no where? I've always had this feeling that i needed to stand alone because people just aren't trustworthy... i know it says that we wrestle NOT against flesh and blood and that our battles are in the spiritual... but what is to be said about these people that allow the enemy to use them??? Are we to just overlook the fact that these folks, having free will, just allow the enemy to use them to hurt others? These people with their flaky, sometimey ways... these people who go behind your back to discuss every word that comes out of your mouth... same folks that CLAIM to be of God, yet live their lives in blatant disrespect of His Majesty. Why have i let them so close to me? I feel stupid. Why don't i have enough sense to shut the door on folks like these?

Stealth mode. I can't trust you. Although you've proven yourself untrustworthy, i won't change... and you really wont know that i've found you out. All you'll know is, "Wow, she really doesn't talk as openly to me as she used to".... that day will be awesome for me! It will mean that i've learned how to give what is necessary and control my mouthgate! I'm way too emotional about this stuff, yo! Lord, melt the icebox forming around me... don't allow my heart to become hardened against your people! Holy Spirit help me to continue on in my love, but give me wisdom on my own conduct around these people who are too ignorant to know that what they do, is harmful!

I feel better. Blogs are a blessing because it allows me to release in ways that i can't do with many!

Matthew 10:16- Look, I am sending you out as sheep among wolves. So be as shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves

I shall endure until the end though....

So i continue....

2011-02-15T15:30:00.000-08:00

Sitting at my drawing board drawing blanks. Revisiting the Ghosts of Passions Past... realizing that you can't make anyone feel what you feel for it. You have to find your own worth in a thing. So, because it's my passion, i will make passionate love to it. Being fruitful and multiplying it upon the earth. Purposely putting on blinders to block out distractions, mowing them down when they get in direct view. Asking God to assist me in correct battles, leaving behind those that aren't mine. It's hard to know when knowledge is blocked from you. Lord reveal the truth... the battlefield of the mind is a dangerous place to fight. Sometimes i feel crazy because of the things i have to think in order to just maintain. Remain the same, never. Quite clever.. allowing you to see only what i want you to. It's healthy to create distance, like, "I fly above all my haters"..i fly above, only in Love with the Most High, the High I feel when we're together makes me want more..................................... so i continue. I will never quit. I know that there is Territory out there for me that is mine and only mine. Even if i have to go through many drafts of it in order to perfect it, just call this draft 333.... perfect number if you ask me. It signifies a relentless nature in me, a desire to get it right no matter how many nights i spend on my face. Hearing false voices and trusting it only leads to me perfecting the One True voice of God. So i continue....on and on until the dawn no longer breaks..... i wonder how much longer it'll take...|||

Emptying Myself Out- Random, yet Current Truths...

2011-02-08T13:47:00.000-08:00

I struggle with realizing that i suck too. I struggle with the fact that the things i get mad at others about, are the same things i get mad at myself about. In a perfect world, everybody would do the right things, say the right things, believe the right things and just do right by each other. No perfect world. So here it goes...

Sometimes i feel empty, but only because i don't fill myself up with the right things. I usually notice when i'm leaning and believing in man way too much because that's when i'm most frustrated. It's hard to have close relationships when you know you'll get hurt or disappointed........ a lot. Pastor gave a quote on Sunday that says that Love believes and hopes all things. I agree, in a perfect world.... but as i stated earlier.....................Not in a perfect world...so here it goes.....

There is a something that tries to emerge in my mind a lot. The only way to describe it is Nostalgia. It's like my mind is trying to remember something that my Spirit won't allow it to. Whenever it pops up in my mind, the thought gets shut down before i can recognize exactly what it is. It's loaded with sentimental feelings and happiness. There's a self-satisfaction associated with it and whenever it's about to become really familiar...... it gets shut down by something inside. I'm beginning to try and go there more and more because now i want to know what it is! I don't have very many happy memories....so that's why i'm trying to hold on to this thing.

Sometimes i wonder if i will always go through this one particular thing. It's cyclical and whenever i see it coming, i honestly don't know how to stop it! It's like a freight train. I know God is stronger and I'm still hoping for deliverance.

Why does it seem like everybody around me has some ridiculous hormonal imbalance?! I mean... yaw are making ME crazy!!!!!!! I would love to just smack all of you! You irritate me! And considering that i lack patience you should really just shut up around me! lolololol... *sigh*... i actually feel better now :-] Maybe i need to get my hormones checked..smh!

I've always thought that meditation was whack! I thought it was just a bunch of crazies sitting Indian Style on the floor moaning. You know what though... give me some candles or incense with my favorite music, on some soft pillows thinking about really good things, visualizing the life i want is all it takes to help me smile. I'm rethinking this meditation thing....

He told me, flat out, "If you keep your mind stayed on Me, I'll keep you in perfect peace".... why didn't i listen?? Why is it so hard to do the simple things that God asks us to do? Makes me feel stupid... i mean that's a PROMISE!!! I could take Him up on that and He would PROVE that He CAN'T lie!!

Michelle... get it together CHICK!!!

Click

2011-02-02T12:36:00.000-08:00

Do you remember when you were younger and that one chick you hated, or that dude you were beefin' with would get phone calls all day from you just so you could hang up on them when they answered??? I mean, even the Mama could get a *CLICK* if she picked up when you called. Dude, like what was that about?!

Just some passive aggressive way of getting back at somebody that you're pissed at. Those days are not only dead, but they're no longer recognizable to me. However................I have recently gotten some phone calls from some people that instead of me calling them and hanging up, i would've enjoyed just hanging up on them while already ON the phone with them... i mean just a good old fashion *CLICK*!!!!!!

I'm coming to grips with the fact that i have some seriously superficial relationships in my life. It's weird because, while not every relationship has the same depths as the other, these relationships i thought were... deep. So just like the Sleep Number Bed, i'm recalibrating some thought processes. You see, i'm more than positive that right now, somebody is on the phone gossiping about me to somebody else about something that i just said. <<<<-----That right there.... lets me know that I've let some in wayyy too close. I'm dealing with it. Now i must pull it back. You can't just come out of the door giving it all to everyone. My husband has been dealing with me on this for years. He's totally closed to people and i'm totally open...we're both learning to give and take in the proper areas. More specifically I'm learning to give me to only a few that have a track record of trustworthy...not just to those i'm hoping to trust one day.

I'm positive of several things:

My issues have more to do with trust than anything else
There are some that make it difficult for me to trust them because they talk too much
My trust should be with God and not man

That list makes sense to me, but it's contradictory to some. And that's okay, because it only needs to make sense to me. I'm just realizing that I'm too quick to trust and i'm too quick to *CLICK* on someone. I believe the BEST in everyone and that's how i get hurt so quickly and so profoundly. I give my all and expect the same in return- that's not wisdom. I pour myself out to those around me, i fiercely protect those i love. Then there i stand, naked & unprotected. Well, that only leaves me pissed off and feeling betrayed. That's when i want those i feel left me that way, to hear that *CLICK* in their ear. They will, and now I'm struggling to care!!!

*CLICK*
(just venting)

MoonJava

2011-01-26T19:54:00.000-08:00

Just call me Moonjava. My inner hippy exists. Alive and well, i throw up my two fingers, nappy and all. I stand in the midst of a war torn society shining bright as the SON. Who dem say dey gon' take His reign? I don't know about you but as i trudge up this mountainside, my main quest is truth..in His Word. I follow every soft wind that flows off my Master's Hand, as He waves the competition bye bye. The Potter's Clay= all day. I was spoken before made... with purpose in hand, He created the dopest cure to mundane- me. Salty as can be, I'm alive yaw. As I live and breath, you stay in your corner when i run by, you feel the breeze. Let it whip your hair. Flower child indeed. I look at him and say, "when you gon' learn, baby, that we can't lose...people got corns on their feet tryna fit in our shoes". Be you. Tryna be me is lame... not to mention at no attempt will it ever be the same. One in a million, best believe. I take this minute to just appreciate the me He created me to be. Every day i get one step closer to the altruistic realness of me, there is no otha. I glide into a room with love on my lips, husband's hand on my hip...haters close by on my tip. Ha! Oh how i love it. Thinkin' on how you could top this shpill, don't bother...but the next time you see me, call me MoonJava.

Peace & Love friends, foes and fools...

Emptying Myself- The Raw, Uncooked Version

2011-01-21T03:40:00.000-08:00

I was awakened by God at 5:30 am to give this testimony. Whomever you are, I hope you are blessed by this.

The enemy got me early. My first memory of a strong emotion was at the age of 4. I was so lonely. I felt intense sadness because i had no one to play with. I remember sitting on the porch with my etch-a-sketch board because my mom *needed* me out of the house for a minute. I sat on the porch and had the feeling that i was in the middle of a desert, with no one there and no place to go. At the age of 4! That wouldn't be the last time this weird sense of loneliness would come over me.

Yeah, i was that girl. The one who could be in a crowd of a million familiar faces and still feel solo. My family, to this day, has no idea of who I really am. You see, i've never felt like i belonged anywhere. The youngest of 3 children to an alcoholic father (may he rest in peace) and stay-at-home mother. I always tell my brother and sister, jokingly (but not really) that we all had different parents. By the time i came around my parents were 30 years old and already exhausted by the things life had dealt them... they had no clue of what was just over the horizon.

In high school I stayed far enough above the radar that i was known, had friends and wasn't a recluse, but far enough under it that i wasn't popular and was pretty irrelevant. I didn't do well in high school because that's when i began my search for men and comfort. I found it. When it was time for me to go to college, i put on my jets and began to run. I didn't go to college because i wanted and education and to better myself. I went to college to get the Hell out my parent's house and away from that devastating drama and trauma that was constantly around me. A funny thing happened though...

When i went away i didn't really find the happiness i was looking for. Instead i found listlessness and depression. So much so that it became impossible for me to get out of bed most days. It became nearly impossible for me to eat sometimes... and then it became evident that i would flunk out. I did anything i could just to not have to go back home. I signed up to be the move in crew to dramatically cut my home time in half during the summers. Then I went to summer school to not have to go home at all during the summer. I worked the front desk during the summer and even some holidays. I was desperate just to not-go-home.

I would be on campus when literally everybody was away at home. I went to 3 colleges just searching for something that i'm not sure I ever found. On two of the campuses I have a vivid memory. I remember walking around during one of those times when everybody else was at home and feeling that same feeling I felt at the age of 4. Feeling like i was somehow on a deserted island. No one there. Wandering on dry land searching for a place to call home... just like that demon the apostle talked about in the scriptures.

One day at one of those schools, I remember coming into my Gospel choir practice. The instructor sat everybody down with a message to give to us. He said, "God told me to tell somebody to just stop trying to fit in. You can't fit in. You keep trying to be like everybody else because you think it will give you some sort of happiness, but it won't and you can't. He has set you a part for a reason that won't be apparent right away, but you'll see later on." Every body's eyes searched the room, hungry to know who that message was for. Choir practice let out and he came up to me and said 5 devastating words..."That message was for you"... i broke down.

You see, i had been trying! I was desperately trying to fit in and have friends but I just couldn't shake this awful feeling of singleness...alone...loneliness... so it was devastating for God to then send a message that i should give it up because it would never work out for me. I just sunk deeper. By this time one of my best friends from Middle School and I fell out in an terribly dramatic way. She could have never known that i leaned on her. That she and her cousin were the only reason i was on the campus to begin with... i went there thinking that i would finally have some people to lean on... as you can imagine God dissolved that notion pretty quickly. So, as usual, i turned to men.

It would take a whole other blog just to discuss the relationships that I allowed myself to get into....just for the sake of not being alone. But i was. I couldn't have known then that God had been trying to get me by myself and to deal with me so that He could heal me. He didn't want anyone else around me that could hurt me...but i just kept bringing people into my life. I thought God hated me. Surely He knew the family He dealt me... surely He knew that pain that would be dealt me... sure He knew that i couldn't deal. Surely He knew that one day i would try to give up. I tried.

I had come home from a long string of failures and was right back in the place that i was so desperate to get away from. The very pit of Hell. Constant arguing. Alcoholism. Strife. Bitterness. Anger. Demonic influence. Death. Witchcraft. Poverty of mind, heart, spirit and economic standing. I cried out to God desperate to know why He had brought me back there. I stopped eating. I was too much of a punk to take a razor to my wrist. Too much of a punk to blow my brains out. Too much of a punk to hang myself or jump off of anything...so i tried to starve myself to death. I researched and found that it doesn't really take long to do it... that it would be painful but it would be over in a matter of days. I layed in my bed and didn't eat until i couldn't even urinate anymore. Then something that had never happened before took place...

My mother came into my room. She never came in there. Mostly because I kept my door closed hoping to keep out the crap going on just on the other side of it. She came in. Sat on my bed...another first. She begged me to eat and come out. Her exact words, "Mikki, don't do this to me. FIGHT!! Please don't let me have to come in here and find you dead one day! Don't DO THIS TO ME!!!" I'm crying as i type this because now I'm a mommy. I know how afraid she must have been. It saved me. Before then I didn't know she even saw my misery. She was miserable herself! So for her to acknowledge the fact that she saw me and cared...was my saving grace.

I have never been able to give my whole testimony. It's too much. I'll have to write a book one day. I'm not sure why i was awakened to write this. I know more will come soon. I'm in this process of writing my story and emptying myself out. Maybe I'll be able to understand myself and my journey better when it's all typed up. I'll write more as He calls me to and stop where i need to. This is not a detailed account nor is it the end. There are a lot of inbetweens and durings and the likes, but this is what I felt led to type this morning.

May you all read and be blessed by this in some way. That is all for now...

Emptying myself...

2011-01-17T23:55:00.000-08:00

Desert. Bitter. Sound. Light. Hope. Faith. Black. Tan. Blue. You. No me. Life. Right. Left. Cries. Laughs. Worry. Money. Tomorrow. Yesterday. Tonight. Loss. Gain. Sweet. Death. Anxious. Doubt. Fear. Sadness. Exhaustion. Sick. Well. Promise. Word. Never. Always. Sometimes. Whenever. Irritation. Confusion. Enemy. Hair. Skinny. Liars. You mad? You jealous? You lookin'? You matter? Do you? Do I? I don't? You don't? You won't? Why not? How so? Are you blind? Don't you want to know? Why don't you ask? Why can't you see? What do i have to say? What do i have to do? What if i did? Isn't it? Aren't you supposed to? Why don't you care? Who are you asking? Do you hear me? Do you see me? Can you feel me? That's what you said! Yes it is! I won't say it again! Don't ask me again! You already know the answer! WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THINGS THAT YOU KNOW? WHY DO I HAVE TO USE ALL CAPS? WHY CAN'T I EVER JUST RELAX? WHY ARE YOU TEXTING ME ABOUT THIS? DIDN'T WE JUST GO OVER THIS? THAT'S WHY I DON'T ANSWER MY PHONE!!! IS THIS REALLY WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME??? COULD I BE MISSING THE POINT??? COULD I HAVE GOTTEN THIS ALL WRONG??? WOULD YOU TELL ME THE TRUTH??? WHY LIE??? RAGE!!! WHERE ARE MY BLINDERS??? I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU IN MY PERIPHERAL!!! GO AWAY!!! I HAVE DEFEATED YOU!!! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE MAD!!! I WON'T STOP!!! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!!! YOU'LL NEVER HAVE IT!!! SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is this the end? it feels like the beginning. i refuse to let you in. you're not real. you can't be trusted. but i can trust You. i know ur there. i know why you remove yourself from me at times. i understand. but i know you're still there. just talk to me. tell me what you want me to know. teach me. i can't learn this without you. i'm yet holding on. i stand but am weak. perfect strength=weakness. you want me, come get me. you want me to. tell me how. i'll do it. you know i will. i'm all yours. i'm gonna beat this. all i do is win. all i want is you. i want you to hold me. i need you. see me. hear me. loooooove me. clear the path. you'd rather sit in the cold? smh. somebody else will. believe it. you don't have to understand. but He does.

Enigmatic Randomness

2011-01-17T23:03:00.000-08:00

Let it pour. These are the remnants of puzzle pieces with no match. Fragments of a mosaic with no pattern. In order to gain freedom, you must first pluck out your eyes; listen for the whisper of God. Sometimes i not only feel blind, but deaf too. Walking around just "feeling" my way through. I wanna run and hide, but how can i when the train is already on the tracks? I would just be holding up traffic. Sometimes the only things that can keep you warm are love and a pair of arms. When those things aren't present, though, the enemy thinks he's found an entrance. never. Why wear clothes when i allow you to see right through me? Sometimes the only way you can see truth is through the transparency of another. Sometimes the only way you can let go of your past is to see someone Else's ghost. Respect the Lord of Hosts! I get so angry when i see people who should know better disrespect my God. We are NOT to judge the world...that's on God. But we are to judge the church...those of us who claim to know the Lord but steadily doing the work of the enemy, need to be checked. period. Sometimes i ask myself, "is it really worth it?" I know the answer. I used to be a Phoenix, but then the forecasters said that there would be Reign. I have an umbrella but i pray that i get soaked. Sometimes i wanna use really bad curse words to crush your pride...but that would only crush the phone i use to call Dad. Can't. It took me a while to realize you suck. I want to believe the good in everyone i come in contact with, but that's not wisdom. Then you... you think that you're about to come back in and wear me out with all of your mess... no no. I have a wall up that is so stealth like, you'll just keep running into it over and over again because you can't prove it's there. IT'S THERE!! Believe it homie. After all these years of running into drama-hungry heffas, i've found the solution to keeping it out of my life. Not gonna tell. It takes wisdom to be able to jump in mud and not get dirty. That made me smile. My joy can exist in my sadness. I can shed tears and be better off than the sista next to me that's fakin' the funk. True story. I need you... but sometimes you don't see me... you think, in your mind that it's all good. It's not. You'll see. That is all.

Twennnny Eleven

2011-01-05T11:17:00.000-08:00

This year is going to be awesome.
I could just let that be the only sentence in this blog because I truly see that word being the MAJOR WORD in my year. I can feel power from The Holy Spirit that I never thought i would be able to tap into. If you were to look back in to my life and my blogs, you would see the intense struggle i've had over the years just trying to get my mind right. I prayed and fasted and prayed and hoped and pray and churched and prayed some more. Yet when you're caught in the "wilderness cycle", all you can do is work to show yourself approved and pray that He will take notice and usher you into your Jericho! Well friends. I'm sitting on the corner of Wilderness and Jericho. I'm done circling the block. I just received me and my family's set of keys to our new Crib on Jericho Avenue! We're moving in and I'm GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKED!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited to be out of the Wilderness. I know my flesh tried to keep me there for a very very veeeery long time but i FINALLY ALLOWED THE HOLY SPIRIT TO CONQUER MY FLESH!!!

Family, just know that He's a healer and a Way Maker! If it had not been for the Lord who was on my side!!! I'm screaming from the mountaintops yaw!! I MADE IT OUT!!! I pray that I STAY out too! There is so much that has been prophesied over my life for this year and friends... i'm already seeing fruit on this tree. The word says that a Healthy Tree can't produce bad fruit and a Sick Tree can't produce good fruit. I'm finally seeing that I'm a Healthy Tree after all. I pray you see the fruit that determines your work too. Amen!

Exposed

2010-08-13T09:57:00.000-07:00

Red blood, pink tendons and muscle... and finally white bone. It's all exposed. The Lord is peeling back the layers like an onion. I'm both excited and horrified at what's beneath. I'm seeing the bitterness and anger that lies beneath the surface. In fact, if i were to get cut by a knife, what would come out first would be bitterness, then anger...and finally blood; that's how close to the surface these issues are. I feel slighted and I plan my escape knowing that it's not the will of God. I'm an "axe dropper" that's just what i do. The Lord has been trying to teach me to just ride out the bumps for years. I get the trigger finger and just start poppin' my gun. It's interesting that we walk around with these beautiful faces and snazzy clothes but our insides are stank and grimey like dirty clothes.

I wish people could see what i see. I see things in an obscured way... I have to be honest when I say that I'm not really seeing the truth of things. Lord please heal my heart. I need to be freed up of mental and emotional space so i can see the truth. I'm on a path of healing and I don't plan on getting off anytime soon. I feel that now is the time, if there ever were a time, to get free. I feel like a slave waiting on my "papers" of freedom. Yet the Lord came to set the captive free. "Why do you just put your stuff out there like that Chelle", you ask. I put my stuff out there because I'm still moving in Christ, I'm still actively conquering my territory, I'm still getting freed up everyday WHILE being a complete and utter mess! People need to see and know that you don' t have to have it all together in order for the Lord to use you. I'm transparent. I have problems. I'm still in shambles in most areas of my life. Yet I still seek the Lord...blind folded and all because I know with my relentlessness and persistence, the Lord removes another facet of my bondage. If i refuse to give up, He will honor it. So, with every milestone I complete, the Lord heals another open wound.

I will continue to be exposed... i expose myself so that another may be covered. Amen!

Soul Banter

2010-07-11T15:02:00.000-07:00

My heart sinks. I want to open up and share, but there's no opening. I'm at a loss, knowing what's right but disagreeing with it. Tomorrow has to be different. I try to peek into the future in an attempt to ignore the present. Who yet has successfully predicted the events of tomorrow? Psychics get their information from false spirits. I walk alone in darkness searching for my eyes and an umbrella. Neither can be found. The Lord, who has called all things into being, surely has better plans for my life. The "Grand Spirit" loves me and that's more than enough... then why do i long for more? Moonlit Soul-Banter from the depths of no where...and everywhere all at once. The moon shines upon me but is too far away to provide warmth. I shiver aloud, but noone hears me. Will you hear me "Grand Spirit"? If you hear me, please answer....

Self Portrait

2010-07-08T12:07:00.000-07:00

If I decided to remove the "stimulus" from the situation, I'm only left with me and how I respond to the "stimulus".... so let me do that for a minute. I'm noticing a pattern. The pattern is me constantly being surrounded by people with unbelievable drama, anger and other issues that can be quite disruptive to my attempt at a positive existence. What do i usually do? I mimic the behavior and end up more miserable than the person causing the misery. Why?! Why am I not strong enough to just stay within my own lane of positivity? I'm really trying to understand yaw. It would require incredible mental strength of which i'm realizing I don't truly possess a lot of.

How do you make a conscious decision to be positive in the midst of a bunch of negativity all the time?? It's like jumping into a puddle of mud and declaring to the world that you will remain spotless. Again, removing the stimulus, what is it in me that can't maintain my own level of positivity and faith? I've always had really strong beliefs... or so I thought. I'm not sure i can say that anymore with how "moldable" I am when in the presence of other people's drama. It's nobodies fault but mine.

I chose this picture as a self portrait because she has no face. Clearly she's, female, black with natural hair...she is an individual but it reminded me of how we eliminate our own fingerprints and give away our own unique power when we allow other people and their drama dictate how we function, and what we believe. I'm giving away my power. My power as "Michelle" is being a strong black woman of faith that is relentless and unbreakable. I've been through too much to allow itty bitty negative things and [people] to creep inside of me and destroy my faith! I have a choice to make today...

Now that I know better, I can do better... I wonder what I'll choose. Stay tuned family!

New Life

2010-07-07T08:53:00.000-07:00

This past year has been major. I feel a need to blog about it so that I never forget what i feel during this time. Yet i struggle to find adequate words to describe it all. I've had my first successful pregnancy and delivery after 3 previous tries... that alone is major. At the same time I feel like there are things happening around me that are so far out of my realm of control that it makes me uncomfortable. There are people around me that are so angry, bitter and drama-filled that i just want to run away from them. People who have absolutely no ability to go with the flow of life and consequently create an atmosphere of tension wherever they go. I can't run away from it... and i find myself always caught in the crossfire of it all trying to remain positive and prayerful. I have no space for it.. but I have no where else to go.

This has caused me to resuscitate my prayer life in a major way. It's the ONLY way and the ONLY chance I have at surviving the tension and drama that surrounds me. And oh yeah by the way, this is all while my body is still undergoing outrageous changes that include, but are NOT limited to: Healing from the birth of my son, healing stitches, vacating hormones, A TERRORIZING NEW BORN (whom i love with my everything and wouldn't trade for the last morsel of food on earth), sleep deprivation, food deprivation and other random what nots. I can't imagine my fingers being bent back any further than they already are- although i somehow know that they'll bend but not break. [Thank You Father]

Today marks week 3 for my beautiful baby boy... and it was gracefully marked by and humongous upswing in his crying and feeding. It was so startling that I had to google what the heck might have been going on= Google is my friend. It would seem that babies have a growth spurt around the 3 week mark and begin being baby terrorists as a profession. Mommies of course become the Martyrs because nobody else will sign up for the suicide mission. During this time I find myself both horribly fatigued on every front, but still happy, excited and feeling strangely productive. Mind you I barely leave the house these days or rarely go outside a 10 ft radius at any given time. I feel both like i'm making progress in getting to know my baby boy but still feel like I'm not nearly as close to where I need to be as i should. Strange dynamic to be feeling, but i'm sure this is the yin & yang that all brand spankin' NEW mommies feel.

I feel like I need help but don't know the right questions to ask. Hence why my prayer life has become a whole heck of a lot more sincere and colorful. I have another 3 weeks before I'll be cleared for any time of extra curricular activities like exercising or sex. Which will both be weird for me. I keep hearing these horror stories about how your boobs become human super soakers during sex. Yay right!?! As if it won't be awkward enough your first time out of the gate in a grip; yeah, lets add projectile boob juice!! That'll be a swell time! *SIGH*

The number one thing that is amazing to me at this place in time is: I never know how i get from one minute to the next in my right mind. How is it possible? I mean, with the level of assistance I need and am NOT getting, you'd think i'd be crazy by now. It really reinforces my belief that we women are just made for this. Now I just have the issue of getting my husband in a place where he understands his place. He seems lost and a bit disoriented... and it frustrates he and i. I want him to just jump in and find his place in this parenting thing instead of standing mostly on the sidelines watching me wrestle a rabid pig to the ground! I know he wants to and maybe i'm not showing him an entrance... there i go again putting it all on me... it's on him to figure this out... i'll leave that be. We women have a tendency to be "self-starters"... not needing very much direction on when and how to get started.. and if we do, we just look it up... again... i prefer Google :-)

I'm thankful for a few minutes when my "baby terrorist" is sleeping, plotting his next terror attack no doubt.... but until then I can put down my thoughts in a way that's both cathartic and educational for "future" Michelle, who will look back on these things and remember what it was like when I first entered my New Life. My other life passed away and was buried at 6:47 am June 16, 2010. Welcome "New Life"... i can't wait to ride you till your wheels fall off. Hmmm...I wonder what Google has to say about that...

My Baby Story

2010-07-06T12:27:00.000-07:00

It began with the question of whether or not I trusted His Creation. Did I trust that my body was truly made to do this? I mean, women did this back in the day, but that was before these AWESOME DRUGS had been created!! So here was my disclaimer, "I'm gonna try to do it naturally, BUT I'M GONNA LEAVE MY OPTIONS OPEN"... lol. This was my way of making sure that if I had to punk out then it was already put out there before hand.

So let's back up to Monday June 14, 2010. I had been leaking some type of fluid since the previous Thursday. I didn't tell my doctor because I was told (by google.. DON'T JUDGE ME) that discharge picks up drastically at the end of the third trimester when it got closer to delivery time. So, of course my doctor gave me the business about not calling him.. i relented and apologized. After he checked me he said that it wasn't amniotic fluid but that the sac was bulging through my cervix... the begging began= At the Doctor's office trying to get the sympathy of my OBGYN... "Please Dr. Harris!! Can you just break my water??? OR SHOW ME HOW???".. Dr. Harris: "Beat it! Do you know how many of these requests I get in a day? This is your first baby, sorry... but i'm gonna just let your body go into labor whenever it wants to"... Me: "YOU HATE ME DON'T YOU!!!" Followed by incoherent sobs and ramblings about how it was because i was black.. lol (Even though my doctor and everybody IN my doctor's office is black). Dr. Harris just gave me the dead eyes, told me to take a hike and to call him if the contractions pick up. I just got up and wobbled my fat butt out of the doctor's office.

Then there was Tuesday. My doctor has a website where you can instant message him all through out the day if needed. I got on to the website and tried one mo' gin! Me: "Doctor Harris... is there ANYTHING I CAN DO?!?!?! I mean is there something I can do to bring about my labor... I can barely walk and my back is hurting... *ouch* ... see!!! It even hurts to type Dr. Harris!!!!" Dr. Harris (i don't even have to see him to know he's giving me the face): "Michelle... HAVE SEX!!! I know you don't want to lolol.. but it works! You and your husband get busy!! Sheesh!" Me: "SEE! I KNEW YOU HATED ME"... what follows were sobs and expletives that i'm sure i'm forgiven for because of my level of agony. lolol...

Tuesday Night... I sucked it up and was about to just do it. YES- THEE "it"! I went to the bathroom with tears in my eyes... I mean, at this point, I'll do ANYTHING! If my doctor would have told me that doing the kid n play was the only way to go into labor, me and Vaughan would have been clickin' ankles right then and there! I know some of you are like, "what's wrong with having sex with your husband"... WELP! Let's see how much you wanna have sex when you have to pee every 10 minutes, your sciatic nerves HATE YOU and you can barely walk... not to mention everything INSIDE of you hurts. What would make you want to put something in there ON PURPOSE?! My poor husband... he was just as sad as I was- Me: "Let me just go pee babe." Vaughan: "*sigh* okay Sweet Pea". It was the longest walk to the bathroom in the HISTORY of walking to the bathroom. It felt like i was walking to an outhouse in the woods. Yes, it was that long of a walk. I was, afterall, walking the "PLANK"! At the end of this walk, I was surely going to die from pain! I stood at the sink after washing my hands and was preparing myself for the long hike back from the "woods" when, at 12:15 am.... God SAVED MY LIFE! He did... I mean my Father in Heaven came down from Heaven & His Throne, took a Holy Needle and poked a hole in my water sac HIMSELF!!! Yes, people, my water broke right at the sink before I had to walk back from the outhouse to my demise! If i hadn't been so fat, i would've done the Mrs. Ruby C-walk Holy Dance RIGHT THERE!

I lept into the hallway, Me: "BABE!!! BABE!!! MY WATER BROKE"!! Vaughan: "THANK YOU JESUS!! I mean, GOOD BABE!!! Let's get rolling"!!! We tore through the house collecting everything we could think of. We got to the hospital at 12:30 am- my contractions started as soon as we got into triage. They were less than 60 seconds apart. I was told that contractions feel like really bad menstrual cramps... NOT!!! They're in the same place that you have menstrual cramps.. but I swear the pain is different. So much so, I had to ask the nurse if what i was feeling was actually contractions. She said, "Uh yeah!"... she's lucky that i was still nice at this point. But I digress...i got into my labor room and my breathing was on POINT... I was standing up and rocking and laboring peeerfectly. I sat on the excercise ball to help open my hips... and aside from the nurse who literally had to stay glued to me with a fetal monitor because i refused to sit still, it was a pretty drama-free experience...kind of... but we won't divulge it all here.

Then cramps went from... "Hi my name is Mrs. Contractions and it's soooo nice to meet you... i'll be with you for just a lil while... feel free to call my by my first name= Labor"...To, "WHAT?! DID YOU JUST CALL ME BY MY FIRST NAME, YO!!!???? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME LIKE THAT... i'M NEVER GOIN' AWAY...EVER!!! CALL ME 'DEATH' BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO KiiiiiiILLLLL YOU", respectively. This is where my trust in Christ got real...

I was going into the "transition" phase of labor. This is where women usually say "Uncle" and get drugs because the pain feels like you have 65 gremlins munching on your insides. This is where your body is transitioning you into full on push mode...it's time to actually have the baby after you get through this phase. Now mind you, usually, when you're in labor, your pain peaks and then subsides for about 3-5 mins or so at first... mine never presented such graces. From 12:30 am until 6:46 am my contractions were less than 60 seconds apart. God was truly there for me! Although that seems like a long time, when you're in labor, you seem to go into some type of time warp. It never feels like it's that long because you're so ingulfed in the happenings of labor.

I was beginning to question whether or not I was going to be able to do it. My husband was a CHAMP! He was calm and helped me breathe well, massaged everything he could and helped me to keep me calm and not panic. I never cried... i never screamed -ok twice-... and I know if it hadn't been for the Lord and my husband.. i would have been scared and SCREAMED "Uncle"! I stalled out at 7 cm and then all of a sudden felt my body start pushing! It scared me because it was totally an unassisted push! Nobody ever told me that your body would do this! The Lord spoke to me... He told me, in His own way, that my body absolutely knew how to do this and I should trust His creation. But i was in pain... I was begging for help... Me: "Nurse is there anything you can give me at this point?!!! I'm not sure I can take much more"- Nurse: "You can do this Michelle, you've done an incredible job.. you're almost there... let me check your cervix one more time". When she checked me, I was at 9 1/2 cm... it only took 20 minutes for me to jump from 7 cm all the way to 9 1/2 cm.. amazing!

My body started to push Josiah hard! He wasn't very pleased about this... he started to move his head from side to side because he's just ornery like that. Something was pushing him...so... he decided he would push back. Me: "NO, NO, NO!!! *OWW* Josiah stop moving!!!" Josiah: "Mrs. Contractions STARTED IT"!! My body then began to really push and I'm trying to tell the nurse that he's about to come and NOW because I can't stop my body from pushing. Right then Dr. Harris, impecable timing I might add, walked in ready to get down to business... my husband stepped outside the door to retrieve the coffee that my sister got for him... terrible timing on his part because my first REAL push, pushed Josiah's head out as soon as Dr. Harris sat down- Vaughan, hearing the monstrous sound that came from my throat area, hurried back in the room only to see his son's lil cone head sticking out.. Vaughan: "HOLY CRAP"... Me: "GRRRRRROWLOIULKKKUJHUFOOIUYURR#E)*(*^#>%$%%%">*%*^&^*&%@!@!!!=6+6=12>>%$%%%!!&@&&&!"..... 30 seconds later at 6:47 am Josiah's whole body flew out of me.

OMG!

His little hand shot up in the air, Me: "OMG!!! SOMEBODY JUST CAME OUT OF ME"...Vaughan: ::-0 !! They put him on my chest... i was instantly smitten. Even the weight of his body on my chest was perfect. He was meant to be there... it was destiny that at that moment in time he was on my chest... smiling at his daddy. Dr. Harris said, "He's a chubber! I bet he weighs 8lbs 8ounces".. everybody put in their own guesses to his weight. Everybody was in shock when he weighed in at exactly 8lbs 8ounces! We all shot a look over at Dr. Harris in disbelief. Amazing. Dr. Harris looked up and me and said, "Did yaw do what i told you to do?" I shouted, "HECKY NAW!! SAVED BY THE BAG"... my water bag that is.

Because I hadn't gotten any drugs... my body began to flood itself with endorphins... i was soooo high... for days i felt euphoric. So while I'm starting to feel high... my sister rips through the room almost running Dr. Harris over to come see Josiah in my arms. Dr. Harris: "Hey yaw! I'm trying to do some work down here guys!" Everybody: ::Ignore:: I cried. I cried because I couldn't believe God had just brought me through something so incredibly scary! Just something so incredible.

I'll stop here... but..

Ladies... it's okay to trust your body. When the pain got so intense that I didn't know if I could take it anymore... I know now that it was the because i was at the end. Seems to be that way with all adversity that rises against His children. He's already given your body everything it needs to give birth. I'm glad I at least gave it a go. He brought me through...

Birth & Death

2010-06-12T11:29:00.000-07:00

"Being bitter is like drinking poison and expecting somebody else to die"... this is a quote i heard yesterday on the 700 Club. I was taken aback by how straight forward it was. It made sense, yet the implications of being bitter always seemed to elude my understanding. You can reason in your mind why being bitter hurts only you... but that quote really hit the ball out of the park for me!

Am I bitter? Like sugarless lemonade. lol Just being honest. It seems like these last few months of my
pregnancy, the people in my life have been acting like natural common sense is ROCKET SCIENCE. The birth of my son has been marked by the death of many relationships and things. It's like, all of a sudden the things that would cause you to hesitate and think twice about doing, are second nature when you have a child growing in your womb. Like the things you would entertain and take from people are over... why? Where does that instinct come from? It's automatic, and requires no second guessing.

There is one person in my life that has seemingly made a lifetime career of hurting me. Like i'm in their laboratory and their trying out new ways to hurt me. I've sucked it up, forgiven them, looked the other way and just tried to deal with it solely because of their position in my life. Now that i'm about to have my son, looking the other way and just sucking it up somehow seems more costly now. Somehow doing this will hurt me and my son. I haven't really figured this out yet... but this thing has come to a head. Something that is really out of character for me is the fact that there will NOT be any conversation about it, no explanation will be offered as to why i'm excusing myself from this person's life. I usually wanna talk about it and at least give the other person a chance to state their case in hopes of us being able to come to the middle about it. Not this time.

My husband and I have been talking about it extensively because I'm so in shock by my own callousness in this situation. Yet, something i'm just getting in touch with is, when you're a mommy or about to be one... doing whatever is necessary for your little one to be in a place of peace and comfort is as easy as breathing. What i'm desperately trying to do is make sure that I don't become bitter about this decision. This person has always sat in a place of honor to me, mostly because word says to do this... but now, i'm over it. They are the epitome of evil to me... the manipulations and lies have gone to a place of no return and instead of trying to make excuses for this person and trying to overlook their evil, i'm leaving them alone.

It's heartbreaking and all... but OH SO necessary! Necessary for my own peace & comfort... necessary for my growing family's peace & comfort... nuff said.

The Sun in the Son= Venting!!!

2010-05-14T09:10:00.000-07:00

It's sunny outstide. It's really beautiful. I find myself staring out my window wanting to go for a jog... yet I can't. I want to just go and sit in the park and let the warm air circle around my toes for hours at a time... can't do that either. I have to always be back at my home or near it every two hours. I either have to check my blood sugar, eat or give myself one of the 4 shots i'm supposed to give myself every single day. I feel like prisoner.. and I'm realizing that's the nature of the disease. I have never been more motivated to do a thing in all my life. I'm gonna kill the killer. Murder the murderer... I'm putting out a hit on the one responsible for so many 187's in my family. Diabetes. It only took one doctor to say, "It may very well have more to do with the pregnancy than anything, but type II diabetes is totally curable and reversible"... that's all he had to say. I know how I'm going to do and when I'm going to do it. It starts now.

This pregnancy has been both wonderful and horrible for me. I complain about it on a daily basis. I struggle to see the bright and fluffy side of pregnancy that some women see. It's truly a blessing for me, with all the drama and trauma it took for me to be pregnant at all... yet all day I dream about the moment when the pregnancy has come to the point of delivery. The sun is outside full force today... yet I'm seeking the Son inside today. It's funny, the Sun represents brillance and warmth and even better, endless possibilities. The Son on the other hand represents all that and a million more things like: Freedom, Wholeness, Healing, Joy... yeah... endless great possibilities. It explains how I can feel one when experiencing the other. I have more energy in my body when the Sun is out. And when the Son is "in" I feel warmth, brilliance and freedom within.

Pregnancy tends to change your whole personality. It narrows your vision, it's broadens your emotional response and it shrinks your personality as a whole... you've gone from being YOU with all that comes with you, to "you" and the baby and all that means for you. Where did I go? I'm putting and APB out on myself... i miss me. 4 more weeks and I'll hopefully be returning from wherever I've been.

I'm seeking the Sun in the Son today. Lord meet me in my place of need today... amen

The Lamentation Of His Phoenix...

2010-05-11T12:29:00.000-07:00

Blind fury. Screaming at the top of my lungs the world was hazy. Hazy because of the tears blinding me. Confusion mixed with fear causing ignorance and an unguarded mouth. Ungaurded mouth leading to death spoken over myself and all that belongED to me. Will I lose it all because of what I've said? If I do it is well deserved. You say you love me, but I struggle in secret with that notion. I struggle with you loving me because you knew me before I was even born. You knew the pain that would be dealt me in this fallen world. You knew. You knew the heartache and heartbreak that would plague me and chip away at me like old paint on dilapidated wood. You knew. You knew the lonliness that i would feel standing in a room full of familiar strangers. You knew how lost i would be standing on my own street. You knew every attack of the enemy that YOU would allow. You told my enemy yes. You told him YES! The pain stings. A scorpion could have just stung me and there would be no difference. I know you Mr. & Mrs. Stranger. I know you feel angry and lost. I know you look back at all you've tried to accomplish and see fruitless things, seemingly in vain. I know you. We are twins. We came from the same womb. I seek you out for comfort but you're too broken to console. I hope, for no reason at all. There is still life in me somewhere in this valley. How? Must not be important to know. Yet I ask again... how? How do I continue to stand and move forward when all i want to do is stop and lie down, wait for death. Death is easy, life is the struggle. Blind fury. Waves of anger wash over me like labor pains. They begin, reach a climax and subside again. I wait for another and another. I wonder am I even dialated? Am I even close to delivering what the Lord placed in my womb? Who can even check the cervix of a Christian but God? I wait to hear from Him. Who ever heard of a 7 year long labor? I'm still waiting. It moves inside of me, it's taken everything to carry it for this long. Everything. I've carried it for so long I'm becoming resentful of it. Yeah, it's because of YOU i get beat down in the spiritual and physical daily. Here comes another contraction. Because of YOUR splendor and for HIS sake am I slaughtered like sheep in a field... all... day... long. Take the bitterness away Lord. I want to love you completely. Yet, I feel angry because of my beatings. I feel resentment everytime I'm slapped. I want to lash out everytime I go hungry. I want to leave everytime I'm punched. Tell my enemy NO Lord. Tell him NO! Bipolar love. Extreme highs and profound lows. Settle the storm that rages. Help me to understand the thunder and lightening. Help me to see the beauty in the breakdown. Help me. Help me to love you even a fraction of the way you love me. Give me back my passion and zeal Lord. Restore to me what the enemy has taken away. Strife leaves you empty inside and out. It sucks the life right out of everything. Yet, I ask Lord, don't remove this strife until you can promise it won't return to me. These things I've seen over and over and over again. Cyclical drama. The kind you can see coming because you've been there before and back again. Restore my soul Lord. Restore my heart Lord. Give me a heart of Flesh for my heart of Stone. Refresh my soul. Refresh in my mind your call. Prepare me for the spiritual birth and the physical one about to take place in my life. This is my Psalm. This is my lamentation Jesus. Restore me! My heart cries out in plain truth and riddles that I can't understand. Make intercession for me Lord. I'm here.. until you say so. A slave of the Most High is Royalty to the World. I'm a slave of you, and even if I left or even attempted to, my heart would long to be back in your captivity. I'm a glutten for you God. You satisfy me and deprive me all at the same time. I feel tortured without you. Yet I feel strained with you. Help my understanding. Give me strength. I cry out IN PUBLIC. UNashamed of my captivity. UNashamed of my walk which is a painful one. UNashamed to be lost in familiar surroundings. UNashamed to want and need you. Make me your Phoenix Lord. Raise me again out of the ashes of pain, confusion, frustration, anguish and destruction of every kind. Raise me again Lord. Make me your Phoenix Father!! My final request Father... I ask with an earnest and impoverished heart....Give me Beauty for my Ashes.

Amen.

Today...

2009-09-09T07:17:00.000-07:00

"Please oh please, wear blue and green, so flowers can bloom and birds can sing... todaaaaaayyy"- Erykah Badu

That's what i'm feelin' like today... i need to have music blaring in my ear... something upbeat... hmmm... and maybe some of that neo-soul. I'm feeling really laid back. Really proud of my progress as far as the new "way of life" is concerned. I've dropped some serious pounds in like a nano-second! In a minute i'm gonna be acting extremely brand new pretending i don't know certain people. Sounds good. LOL!

We're moving into a new, much bigger place. I'm really excited! Not because this place is immaculate... but because i'll be closer to my family and i'll always have a house full of teens and lil ones. I love even just the thought of it. It keeps me holding on. God gave me a word back in June that came out of Haggai. It prophesied that on September 24, 2009, nothing would be the same because He's going to bless everything thing we do from then on out. That was a huge Word. I'm standing on it so hard that i'm hoping it doesn't give under my weight. LOL! Impossible! God's word is stronger than heaviest person or situation in the world and beyond!!

I'm going to humbly stay in prayer that this word comes to fruition because it has, afterall, been the longest period of famine i've ever been through. I've been struggling intensely financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually for almost 7 years....i need this to be over.

Haggai 2:17-23

I struck you and all the products of your toil with blight and with mildew and with hail yet you did not turn to me, declares the LORD. 18 Consider from this day onward from the twenty-fourth day of the ninth month. Since the day that the foundation of the LORD’s temple was laid, consider: 19 Is the seed yet in the barn? Indeed, the vine, the fig tree, the pomegranate, and the olive tree have yielded nothing. But from this day on I will bless you."

20 The word of the LORD came a second time to Haggai on the twenty-fourth day of the month, 21"Speak to Zerubbabel, governor of Judah, saying, I am about to shake the heavens and the earth, 22and to overthrow the throne of kingdoms. I am about to destroy the strength of the kingdoms of the nations, and overthrow the chariots and their riders. And the horses and their riders shall go down, every one by the sword of his brother. 23On that day, declares the LORD of hosts, I will take you, O Zerubbabel my servant, the son of Shealtiel, declares the LORD, and make you like a signet ring, for I have chosen you, declares the LORD of hosts."

iJerk= For real!

2009-09-08T07:26:00.000-07:00

Today, started off with a bang. And not a good one. I told my husband that if he didn't start complimenting me more and validating me that i would start really liking it when other men did. He was none too happy, to say the least. I was pissed OFF. Here I am, just bought a new shirt that i thought he would enjoy. I twisted my hair up extra nice so that he would think it was really cute... and theeeeennnnn...=nothing=! I felt really bad. Like i was invisible. When i brought it up to him, i had to choke back my tears i was so upset. He tried to say that he told me i looked nice in the kitchen this morning... but i didn't hear it. Yeah right!!! I told him that women really do look to their husbands to make them feel pretty and that we really just want to be adored. ((maybe didn't say it in that tone or words)) But that was the gist. He was so pissed that he basically said that i was just insecure; i'm sure he said it just to hurt my feelings.... but was he right?

I do think i have some insecurities, i mean who doesn't... but i never thought that wanting my husband to tell me i'm "pretty" meant that i was insecure. Maybe i am. LOL... sounds pathetic when i read it in typed print. Why do i need his validation at all? Why does it matter what he thinks at all??? I hate being that dependent on someone... even my husband. I need to sort this out in my brain... because on the one hand... i really don't think there's anything wrong with looking to your husband to compliment you... but then again... it just sounds really pathetic. Women, most of the time unknowingly, seek the attention and approval of men. We even judge ourselves according to how many men compliment us now apposed to when we were younger and "thinner". We may not vocalize it, AT ALL, but we do notice when the compliments come fewer and far between. It makes us sad. And that's just with strangers!!!

Imagine how i must feel when my husband, the man i sleep with everyday, doesn't even notice me anymore?!?! I'm not saying ever.. but on those days when i feel extra cute... it would feel so much better if my husband thought so too. I'm being really transparent right now. I usually never talk about my marital issues on here, but today this had to come out. What I said to him i meant. He's my "homecourt", and if I'm not receiving the attention I need in my "homecourt", i may start enjoying the "external" attention a lil too much! Yes, i was mad when I said it but it's true. I don't want to be validated by some random perv on the street... but if this is one of my needs that i have so clearly expressed, then it will be fulfilled in one way or another. I sound like a straight jerk... but at least i'm an honest jerk!

Commune with God today...

2009-09-04T05:53:00.000-07:00

Good morning all...

Today i'm just in this place where i wanna express just how much i need God. I need Him so much! Just lifting my head is a chore. I have no strength in my bones right now... but i'm so thankful for His Word that says, "My strength is made perfect in your weakness".... i cling to that word on today. Yesterday is in a furnace... yes, but now i'm trying to get today out of the ditch! I need a fresh anointing to rain down on me from Heaven. For the very strength, joy and peace of God to be upon me. The lord says that if i don't try to lean on my own feeble understanding, then the peace that goes beyond anything I can understand will fall upon me. I pray for that today. Confident assurance in Christ and Christ alone.

I can do all things through Christ that gives me strength. Anything?? Anything!! I'm going to really meditate on the fact that if i can believe... NOTHING is impossible to me. NOTHING AT ALL!! I pray that the Holy Spririt within me will assist me in believing and believing without doubt. Help me Heavenly Father to believe.

Amen

Wake up call at 3:30pm .....

2009-09-01T07:58:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, August 29th at 3:30 pm my wake up call came in. Hard. I'm at Chipotle's with one of my good friends and I was a lil jittery and so i'm like yeah... let me eat something. I eat. Feel a lil better for about 15 minutes. Then {{{ALARM, ALARM}}}!!!! My body just became completely weak... dizzy... nauseous... disoriented... and I just began to say... "take me to the hospital, take me to the hospital"..... get to the hospital, i'm freakin' out completely... they check my blood sugar and discover that it's a WHOPPING 233! 83 points above what it should be!

They check me into the hospital and begin their barrage of tests to figure out what's going on. I'm so afraid at this point that i'll end up like my father, his mother, my mother's father, my mother's mother and so many others that have suffered from the horrible horrible diabetes DEMON!! I begin to pray that God will give me another chance... a chance to fix this. I heard Him when He told me over a year ago that i needed to change my diet "or else"... why didn't I listen?!?!?! "Lord, please just give me another chance to change my diet so that i can change my circumstances"... "please"... "Hear my prayer Lord"... He heard me.

The doctor comes in on the second day and says, " I have good news and terrible news... which one do you want first"? My butt instantly begins to cringe... "Terrible news first, please"? He clears his throat, "We think it's type II diabetes and Diabetes itself is a horrible disease... it can be life threatening... it can totally ruin your life and even your chances for a good life"... I sink. I beg him for good news, "Well damn... what's the good news then"?... okay not so much begging but a lil ornery at this point. He begins, "Type II Diabetes is benign and is totally reversible if you completely change your eating habits and work out on a SUPER regular basis".... like i said... He heard me.

They totally could've come in and said, "YOU HAVE 5 MINUTES TO LIVE........ACTUALLY NOW YOU HAVE 4 minutes and 59 seconds... hahahahahHAHA!!!" ... but no... they didn't. They told my life is totally in my own hands at this point. Which really is kinda worse if you think about it. I suck and consistency. But now i HAVE to be consistent or I'll kill myself!??!! What kinda CRAP is that?!?!?! Be perfect in your decision making or you'll DIE!!?!?!?! Okay so maybe that's a lil dramatic but I don't know how well this is going to end for me. Everybody thinks that i don't have kids because we haven't had much luck... nah... it's because GOD FORBID ANYBODY'S LIFE BE IN MY HANDS... even my own!!!

Needless to say... this is the worse wake up call of my entire life. Now, i can't go back to sleep. Ever.

Spiritual Puke!

2009-08-28T12:16:00.000-07:00

So today was the day that i let go a few lingering issues. Today was the day that i took control over a few things that were clogging up the pores to my spirit. I've been tight lipped about these things and didn't want to tell God how I really felt about them. I even TRIED to tell Him how I was feeling. It didn't work. I just felt this resistance... like SHHHHHHHHHHH... don't say nothing!! Today I couldn't take it anymore!!! I stuck my finger deep down into my throat and PUKED IT ALL OUT!!! All the stuff i've been wanting to ask for... all the feelings that I've been holding on to ... came flyin' outta my mouth in huge spiritual chunks! I saw somethings come out that for the life of me, i could figure out what i digested that would make THAT color of puke!

I feel a lil better i gotta say... but i think there will be more coming out tonight. That's right... it ain't over by a long shot. Just a minute ago i felt some rumbling in my spirit that let me know that there's more! So... i'm gonna take a deep breath and let the fat, spiritual baby chunks flow. While I know that you love my analogies of venting to God and PUKE... i just want you to know that it's all for you :-) lolololol...

No, but the reason I'm blogging this is because I want everybody (anybody who may read this) to know that there comes a time when all the things in life that we get poisoned with, and even the things we poison ourselves with, have to come out... one way or the other. However it comes out... get a fat bucket and puke it out before the Lord Almighty in Jesus Name!!! lololol

{{OmMppFF}} I think another round is underway... GOTTA GO!! Hope to see you there ;-)

FINGER.WAVES.

2009-08-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

Yeah so.. yesterday I was walking downtown and saw somebody with Finger Waves and was sincerely perplexed! Like... what??!?!?! Waves are back?? I'm gonna need the name and number of the person that authorized this comeback!! What makes it so bad... they weren't fresh at all! They were like crusty... and if anybody was like me back in the day... then you know that old brown gel STANKS! I thought i even saw somebody with a box the other day... i just don't know what's going on here! I'm trying to stay "in" as best i can but the older you get the less you know about today's fashions... that is unless you have access to teenagers who you can completely harrass on a weekly basis as the fads shift and change like the wind.

I'm in this tug of war with my age and how young i feel. I feel so old sometimes but I know that i'm young! So what should I put on my back right now??? LOL! Victoria Secrets Pink line are OUT for me simply because my boobs have decided for me that it ain't goin' down. period. I LOVE TORRIDS!!! However, Torrid money is non existent. period. SO= any ideas... what should 28/29 years old be wearing?? Keep in mind that i'm a SAVED 28/29 so don't come @ me with some stuff that has the majority of my Double D's hangin' out on the ground... lolololoL!

First post of 2009=All.At.Once.

2009-08-21T09:47:00.000-07:00

I guess it's been a while huh? lol... I haven't committed to this website and I should because it gives me great peace to just come on here sometimes and just vent you know?? Well I'm going to give you something a lil different. I'm going to start a prayer journal instead of just a blog... i'm going to be really transparent with you all on here because I believe even if you don't say anything, it's possible that my struggles will help some of you cope with things... maybe even inspire you to want more from God and not be afraid to ask for it =)

2009 so far=

This year has been an eye-opener. Some of it very painful but some of it extremely liberating... When we don't live our lives to please God He will sometimes blind us of our mess... that is until He's ready to reveal to you the carnage you've left behind. Well 2009 began with a violent tearing away of the scales that were blinding my view of myself. It was painful and so far has led to a lot of nights on my face crying out to God to make me better. However, it made me free. Free of living in ignorance of myself and the things that I do. I'm thankful for that. Things that I thought i'd gotten over, my ways, my mouth and most of all my total lack of understanding where my purpose is concerned= it has been a huge awakening for me. I'm a 28 year old woman who has lived through horrible things that i mostly brought on myself and now i just want it all to stop. My faith in Christ should have given me peace through the storm and stability in waivering times but... i realized this year that although i believe that He is God... i didn't believe a WORD He said. Yeah... a WORD. I realized that i really don't stand on anything when faced with tribulation. I allowed the emotional aspect of it all sweep me in to overhaul and just dealt with it... without a fight.

Well i woke up... now i'm out of agreement with all those things that tried to hurt me and trick me into believing in them. I'm done.. and i'm ready to take a stand... on God's Word that is.

Here are the things that I strongly desire in 2009:

Peace
Love
Joy
Real Relationship with God
What is Good
What is Happy
What is Sweet
What Flows
Clarity
Direction
Fearlessness
Boldness
Concentration
Integrity
Wealth
Health
Abundance of Life
Children.

I want them NOW! I'm not afraid to ask for them anymore... all. at. once.<

Cows & Bees vs Milk & Honey

2008-11-12T10:18:00.000-08:00

Good afternoon all,

God gave me a word this morning and is asking me to be obedient in passing it along. I used to do this on a regular basis but a word came to me recently saying that I was about to go through a period of learning. Any of you who serve God knows that there is a season to eat and a season to serve, but it's rare that you can do both well at the same time. This word is the first complete word that God has given me to minister to others in a while... It's long, but it's a true "soul banter"... I pray that the word God gave me will bless richly bless you all!

Cows & Bees vs Milk & Honey

Exodus 3:7-10

7 The LORD said, "I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. 8 So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey—the home of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. 9 And now the cry of the Israelites has reached me, and I have seen the way the Egyptians are oppressing them. 10 So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt."

Jericho. I liken Jericho unto anything I pray to God in earnest for. The thing that could make tears of joy and longing drop from my eyes anytime I think about it. The first Jericho I ever really wanted was Vaughan. I didn't even know it was Vaughan, but because I had totally surrendered my desires to God, He gave me the good thing He promised to never withhold from me. I wrote down everything I wanted in my husband on cardboard and walked around it in a church parking lot for 7 days, just like the Israelites did when they were about to overtake the city of Jericho! That next December is when Vaughan walked back into my life after almost 10 years. My Jericho had arrived!!!! The question that remained was, could God trust me to recognize it?

The Israelites had every sign, wonder and miracle right before their eyes and yet they did not believe. They complained and whined and found every excuse to be miserable and disobey God when all they had to do was believe. How many of us, right now, are conquering our City of Jericho, overflowing with milk and honey... and all we can see are too many cows and too many bees?! How many of us are standing in our wealthy place and are still swatting at the bees? The very bees that create our honey!! We don't respect the job that God gave us, we don't love the people that God put in our lives, we disrespect God by speaking a hateful word against His anointed- spreading rumors= bearing false witness against each other... angry and can't see God's overwhelming blessings in our lives. Mad at the cows because there are too many and you're constantly stepping in cow pies! Don't you realize that those cow pies are fertilizing your ground?!?! Don't you realize the more grass that grows, the more the cows will eat and ultimately will be able to produce MORE milk and MORE cows?!?!

We act as wicked, non believing Israelites most times don't we? In Exodus it talks about how the cries of His people were so loud that they reached the gates of Heaven and God began to put a rescue bail out and total deliverance plan in place! Yet, when this plan was put into action... these people, the same people who had cried out for deliverance, were acting like they didn't have ANY sense! They would have preferred to remain in captivity because they were too afraid to believe. Then they looked at Moses thinking, who does he think he is??? Is this you? Has God sent you a messenger or rescue boat, but because it didn't have on Prada, wasn't an eloquent speaker, or because you thought they were too young you passed it by? Moses, the man who stuttered, had committed murder and who had put himself into exile was CHOSEN by God to lead His people to freedom. Who is wise enough to judge? Who can call unclean what God has called clean?? Certainly not us.

Our precious Father who has said that He is "married to the backslider"(HOSEA 4:14-20) has pledged to love us and still care for us, though we fight Him the whole way to freedom. Though we prostitute ourselves to money, men/women, clothes and riches making things our Idol. Though we would prefer to remain in captivity because we are too afraid to believe God for something better= Though we commit adultery against our marriage to God, He has still prepared good things for us. If only we could believe it. If only we could Obey Him. If only we could trust Him. If only... So here you are... sitting in your Jericho, a place that God gave you, to rescue you and give you the desires of your heart. This place where milk & honey flow freely = and all you can talk about are the cows & the bees.

Check yourselves brothers and sisters. Last week was a firestorm of me complaining about the Cows & Bees at work and in my life. Yet these are the same blessings that when my husband transitioned from one job to the other and when we needed just a few more dollars to pay the bills, I had the money to do it! I sat here mad at a heifer who I KNEW was put in my Jericho to fertilize my soil = to help me be so strong that nothing would deter me from being able to build wealth. Swatting at bees being too blind to see that yeah, these may sting, but they also produce the honey & nectar I need in my wealthy place. Pay attention to what God is doing in your life family. I now walk in my wealthy place, about to bring forth in just 2 short months the very thing God spoke in my life before the foundation of the earth was lain. But I could have missed it.

As you know, there were some in the Israelite camp that didn't make it. Some were killed and, to be honest, not matter how they died- one thing surely stood out = Disobedience! Moses, the very man who led the people to freedom in the first place, didn't make it into the wealthy place God promised him because he was disobedient. Some of you know and can recognize that God has spoken mighty things in your life and some of you even know what they are... yet you are in danger of being taken out of the game before you walk into your wealthy place. We struggle with trusting and being obedient to God... and we allow our own evil desires drag us away from Him. We allow our lust for life, our lust for people, and even our lust for the approval of others stand in the way of the thing that we KNOW God called us to do!! What some people have called a mistake, we call proof. God took my husband and I 900 miles away from our comfort zone just to show us the "truth" of who He is in our lives. He proved to us that He had called us to do a particular thing and if we had listened to the fears of our loved ones, (who were only concerned) we would have never gotten here = staring our wealthy place in the face we invite others to do the same.

What do you see? Do you see Milk & Honey or Do you see Cows & Bees? Did you see how unfortunate it has been for Vaughan and I to be on the bus all this time? Or did you see the countless people we got the chance to witness to along the way? Did you see how we've struggled financially over the years? Or did you see how incredibly unbreakable our marriage has become because of it; how well we can balance the books now = which is all about to come in handy? Did you see it? I'm just now seeing it-- I'm going from Cows & Bees to seeing Milk & Honey... will you? Will you see that the wonders and blessings of God don't always come in pretty bows with sweet smells of roses... even though they are? He is a sweet smelling savior who is perfect in all His ways, no matter what they are!

I feel the Holy Spirit asking me to stop there. Asking you all to think about what you have placed ahead of God. Please know that God has promised you good things and not disaster for your life (Jeremiah 29:11) But you could be in danger of never receiving those things because of your disobedience and total disregard for the Most High God. I pray that you, brothers and sisters, will please begin to examine your hearts - ask God to come in and cleanse you so that you will have a mind to serve and obey the commands of our Lord & Savior.

With many blessings & Love I pray...

Amen

Praise Reports!!!

2008-11-11T09:18:00.000-08:00

God has moved mightily! Vaughan has been offered a higher position in Springfield and he accepted. Now, those of you who have been paying attention lolol... know that Vaughan and I haven't had a car in a year = WELL... THEY OFFERED TO BUY US A CAR JUST SO THAT VAUGHAN COULD MAKE IT TO WORK!!!!!!!!! WOW! Also, the organization God gave us about 2 years ago... is finally about to come to fruition in 2 short months! Praise God...

But... is this what you think my praise report is? It's not...

Ok. Some of you out there reading this believes that God is good... may not know it... but want to believe that's He's good. You may also want to believe that He blesses and are reading this hoping that the words I type will inspire you to believe that God will bless you. Well, He will. I truly bless God for what He's done for my husband and I... all the things that He's about to do... and has done.

But I must share something with you... all of you who are reading this hoping that God will do the same for you... hoping that God will give you something = keep reading... I bless God for who He is... not for what He can do FOR me. The best thing God the Father could have ever done FOR me is send His only Son here to die for me that I might be FREE! So these other things... although they can be thought of as proof of His Headship, greatness and His hand over my life... the REAL proof of His Headship over my life is how I live... and how I express God's nature through my life. How i allow God to use me in any way He pleases... How I can bless His name in times of lack as well in times of luxury... I sure hope somebody can get this! God is not only as great as His blessings... GOD IS GREAT ALL BY HIMSELF!! He's great no matter the blessing... He shouldn't have to BUY your affection! He shouldn't have to give you something frivilous before you understand His love and concern for your well being.

Can you imagine that some of the angels that fell with satan were Seraphim... do you know what a Seraphim's job is??? Their job is to care for the THRONE of God... and you mean to tell me they just decided they were tired of taking care of the THRONE OF GOD???? They are the ones that they talk about in Isaiah 6:3 who continually cried out saying, "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord of hosts: the whole earth is full of His glory"...Wow... but God in all His infinite wisdom is so serious about "will & relationship"... you see... You don't HAVE to love God... in fact... He prefers that if you make the CHOICE to love Him... you make it knowing that there is NO gun to your head... but if you could just get to know Him and have a relationship with Him... there is no way you couldn't fall in love with Him...

Get to know God... stop trying to pimp God... Just belonging to Him IS my praise report... nothing else...

Barack Elected, my coworker FIRED!!!

2008-11-05T08:20:00.001-08:00

11/5/08--- not even a day after the election of our first black president comes the very first white person to feel the sting of what it means to offend a black person in these times. I was soooo stunned that my boss asked me to put it in writing and he'll make a decision on what to do today. Comments please:

Good morning Josh & Brandon,

I know that this is an unpleasant situation; it’s not a great day for me either. I wish I wouldn’t have to be speaking to you two about this at all, but hopefully this will bring about a swift resolution.

The time was around 9:46 a.m.; Amy was on the phone with a customer who had called in. The customer, I know had called in, in response to a message Amy left for them yesterday because she began saying, “The reason I called you yesterday was because….” I didn’t have my heater on yet so I could hear everything going on in the office. I then heard her lower her voice and say, “Well, to me, the first issue is that he’s a “Black Man”, the second is that his name sounds like an Arab name”, she then began to spell out his last name to prove that Obama was an Arab name. Then she said, “I’m just scared to death. I know he’ll be assassinated soon”!

When she said that, I said, “OH MY GOD” very loudly!!! Then she tried to get louder and stopped whispering, but then said, “I just don’t think people thought this through, I’m just really concerned about our country”. I looked back at Russ and said, “Did you hear what she just said???” He shrugged his shoulders and said he didn’t hear her. I just got up and ran into Kristie’s office crying and shaking because I was so angry! I looked back and she was running into Tom’s office saying something to him. I couldn’t believe that she said what she said. For the first time since I started working at GoKeyless, I feel uncomfortable being the only black person in the office. I’ve never felt this way before; I just can’t understand the racist frame of mind. Although the customer she was speaking with agreed with everything she said, I just couldn’t believe she would number one, speak that way with a customer & two, say something so racist with me just two cubicles down!!

When I first got hired she made a joke about an Indian person she was speaking with saying, “They’re Indian, what do you expect”. I called her out on that then because I didn’t want her or anybody to be comfortable cracking jokes about people’s race. I’m probably one third of every race there is on earth, so you almost can’t make a joke about any race and not offend me.

In conclusion, if you’d like to know what I want to see happen with Amy, I’ll take an excerpt from one of Barack Obama’s campaign ads and say, “Amy Payton, you just can’t afford more of the same”. Have a blessed day!

Fought On Every Side

2008-11-04T09:00:00.000-08:00

A year riding public transportation is too long. After a certain amount of time, it begins to test your sanity. I can definitely feel the heat being turned up...

One thing I'm certain of, is who God is... Matthew 5:45 makes it clear that He is is the same God in prosperous times as He is in the fruitless times... that whether you're a good person or a bad person, God never deviates from His position: 45-that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. What does this mean to me? It means that although I'm being fought unfairly on every side... and although the enemy has bruised my heal, I will crush his head with the knowledge that God is STILL a God of blessings, grace, mercy, love and perfection! That- Though He slay me Yet Will I Trust Him! (Job 13:15) Who else can I trust? Where else would I go, He is all that I hope for. What is my alternative? To believe the enemy??? I'd rather die== So while I stand here bleeding, I will still praise the Lord. Because there is NO ONE like Him! There is NO ONE MORE WORTHY to be praised!

I knew- the moment my path became uncovered that I would be fought on every side. That the heat would get turned up so high that there wouldn't be ONE day that goes by that I wouldn't have tears welling up in my eyes. The enemy saw the hand of God reach down and touch my territory to enlarge it, and pounced. Yet he has lost. He can't have what God has for me. I won't let him take it, not even a single yard. My finances are being attacked, my friends are being attacked, their marriages are being attacked, their children are being attacked, my health is being attacked, my family is attacking me, my job is always attacking me & even strangers that don't even know me are attacking me... yet I stand. Ephesians 6:13-13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

I know satan and his goons want to break me down BEFORE I walk into my destiny. The flames are getting hotter and are shooting higher- the stakes are higher... and just one slip could devastate my whole mission. Yet I am not afraid! This organization for teen girls WILL be registered and ready by January 1. Only God can stop me and since He spoke this for me even BEFORE the foundation of the world began, I don't think He will.

Pray for me Saints. I'm in a battle, THE battle. I can touch, taste and smell the piece of the kingdom that God gave me to bring forth and the enemy is trying to stop it. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing on my own, but I know that's a lie... if you could only lift your eyes up to Heaven on my behalf today, even for a moment and ask God for a supernatural favor for me and my family- please do so.

May God Richly bless you today!

I'm in love...

2008-10-14T07:02:00.000-07:00

Before I start, i would like to say that, for me, this blog is a way to vent and also to work out my salvation with fear and trembling. [Philippians 2:12] ... that means, some days it will be happy... but for real... most days it will be calling out and questioning my thought processes to bring every thought into captivity. [2 Cor. 5:5]

I'm in love=

With a man who's heart is so pure that sometimes i really DO have the feeling that i don't deserve him. I'm sure if he was asked, he'd say the same about me- but it just isn't true. He quit his job a couple of months ago because they were, quite literally, trying to kill him...lol.. so, right now we're just doing what we have to until something comes through. In the meantime, my husband wakes me up in the morning, makes my breakfast- gets me out the door- when i come home, the house is spot less, dinner is cooking- timed perfectly for my arrival home, my towel and lotion are on the bed waiting for me to come out of the shower, he puts lotion on my back when i get out of the shower- we eat dinner, he takes my plate and puts it in the sink, gets what's left of dinner and puts it up, careful to immediately start making my lunch for the next day- we sit, watch a lil t.v. - maybe read the Word and pray- we go to sleep and it's starts all over again.

I feel tears welling up in my eyes right now. I can't believe that God gave me this man to be my husband. I don't deserve his love and unbelievable care. I feel so blessed to have him that i almost feel guilty BECAUSE i have him. How could someone other than God love me so much... i was told by my father, God rest his soul, that i would never be married- that no man would ever love me. I believed it. I'm sad that i believed it, because sometimes i still feel like my marriage shouldn't be this wonderful. That somehow i deserve to be unhappy and alone. I need for God to take this away from me.

Very early in our marriage, i tried to push him away from me because i believed what my father said. We often create what we fear. I did. I made our marriage hell because i thought that divorce was inevitable anyway. That something was wrong with me and when my husband found out, he would just leave. So i tried to speed up the process by being UNbearable and UNlovable. Until one day my husband looked at me and said, "take your time, go ahead and get it all out of your system, because i'm not going anywhere. And when you're ready, i'll still be here". It seemed likeI cried until my eyes stopped producing tears. I surrendored. I accepted his love and began to really deal with myself.

In return, i got a marriage that is so loving and wonderful. SO much so that other couples ask US questions on how to get where we are. Even though we're still very young and young in our marriage. On today, i feel those feeling creeping up again. Those feelings that whisper to me saying ::: you don't deserve him, you don't treat him well enough ::: Although, now i know that this isn't true- i wonder what sparked them? I have a wonderful husband, one who wouldn't flinch to die for me... but even better, hasn't hesitated to live for me either! We've been through so much and still have much more to conquer together- yet it seems that we're only just getting to know one another. I know God hears me when i pray to Him... i'm forever searching for answers to questions i've asked a million times already. I know that becoming "whole" is the journey. Becoming still and not being swayed by every wind that blows is the journey. I just pray to appreciate that... because i'm ready for that type of stability now.

Yet, i'm in love. That's the path i'm on right now... walking hand in hand with a man that loves me from head to toe. Who can make me smile with just a twitch of his eye brow. Whom I will constantly be trying to serve for as long as I live= renewing my mind and state of mind as not to jeopardize the peace that we've found. I pray that we ALL figure out that we are worth MUCH... not because of who we are... but because of WHOM we belong to. {Christ} He taught my husband how to love me.

Ephesians 5:25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.
27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.

Signing Out ::: And I'm so thankful :::

Monday ramblings...

2008-10-13T07:29:00.000-07:00

So, it's Monday....No, this isn't what I do all day. Sometimes though, it doesn't seem any different. Sometimes you can get in a cycle of just... well.. NOTHINGNESS. I've always wanted my life to have a greater meaning than just an assembly line of same ol same ol. I miss working with my kids, but it's very clear that God needs to build me back up from this past season of learning. I learned a lot in this past season, mostly about how to love my enemies. It as draining and was one of the hardest lessons YET! It dragged me away from some things that I love dearly... one of them is teaching teens at my church bible study. I miss the teen girl group that I started on Saturdays (VWT= Virtuous Women in Training) I know they miss it too. I'm just not sure where my starting point is. I have to get back to the things I love or I'll be further dragged away. My job IS a means to and end right now and I respect my job as well as the One =God= who gave it to me. But I want more.

Most people, these days, are happy if they even HAVE a job. Me? I think bigger, and I always have. I'm so relentless about these things... that I know that I will have at least SOME of the things I desire. I don't know how, and as far as I'm concerned, that part isn't up to me. I do, however, desire more from God. I'm a perfectly ready and willing instrument for His good purposes. I want more. What God is waiting for? I don't know, maybe there is so much more that I need to know... maybe i'm so young that He hasn't even built a true and sturdy foundation for me yet. Whatever the reason, I wonder is there a way to speed things up a little..lol. I do have a relationship with my Father in Heaven, so none of what I'm saying is a big shocker to Him. However, I know some of you reading this (assuming there is someone) is a little shocked at how I'm speaking about and to God. Well... that may be because you're still operating under an untrue opinion about who God is. Religion will do that to you... God is not interested in your religion... He is however interested in the relationship that you have with Him. He asks that we worship Him in spirit and in Truth... how can you worship God if you're not honest with Him about your feelings? I mean the REAL feelings! That stuff that only God knows because He knows EVERYTHING! It's ok... He knows the things that you don't say, only, He probably wishes you would. It's the part of the relationship He really values... the disclosure to Him. The confession... the plain old, open your mouth and talk to Him thing.

Anyways... sorry, got a bit off subject- or maybe i'm right on target for someone reading this. :-) That always makes me smile, just thinking of the possibility that something I say in passing is going to be just the thing someone else needed to hear to make things ok for them. Well, if that's the truth, let me know. I love praise reports.

again= back to our regularly scheduled program=

I NEED to believe that there is more than this, then working 5 days a week, same hours, same days, same conversations, same folks- same same same SAME... trying to shake it off today... and hope for bigger things= after all... Truth breeds trust, Trust breeds hope & Hope breeds assurance... and when I lack any- I have to start back at Truth... what do i believe?

I believe that this picture of my jewelry gives me hope for something better:

The Posts Below

2008-10-10T08:58:00.000-07:00

This is a quick flash of what all has been going on in my life for the past month... I'll be posting more... but this... is the MEAT of everything...

I keep more than one blog... and i'm trying to figure out a way to only post in ONE of them... hmm... i don't have very many followers on this one... NONE to be exact....so i usually don't post here... but read them... comment on them... and tell me what you think!

God Bless!

==RanDomNEsS==

2008-10-10T08:57:00.000-07:00

Every time i smell poot, i look around like imma be able to tell who did it... lol.. why? LIke the person who did it is just gon' look @ me and be like, "it was me, i did it! It was dem chipz" ... jess ignit! [[RandomNESS]]
I love me... lol... sometimes i think there's an asterick next to me wherever i go. Especially wen i really am reflecting Godly behavior. Why not say ONLY wen i'm reflecting God? Well there were times wen i wasn't and still there was God's grace that kept me in the light so... there! lol.. i love the fact that i can pick up any artistic endeavor and say to it... "i own yew"! lol...
I love the fact that sometimes wen i'm sad... if i listen close enough i can hear songs in my spirit that is exactly what i'm feeling... i then know that the Holy Spirit is speaking to me about how and why i'm feeling that way... and sometimes a song will be playing in my head and i know that my spirit is actually encouraging me to celebrate God WITH Him... it's awesome being me! lol.. only because Jesus lives with me.... yep... i said it... HE LIVES WITH ME... He's in my body, He's in my home, He's in my Husband and He's in my Life.... literally my day to day process. He's constantly removing things from me... some things are shocking because i didn't know that i even had them in me to begin with.
Hmmm... i look around at my job and my perspective changes a lot. I ask God things that most people would be afraid to ask because they still think God is a God that will "strike" them down right where they stand. Well, I don't know who your god is... but MY God... welcomes conversation, questions and relationship. I love the fact that greatness is within me always... i love the fact that God will use me to minister to children and then their parents!! One of my brothers told me that it's like that because there is a serious anointing on my life and that although i'm starting out with kids, i could reach anybody. Me and the hubby have preached to the young and the old, the single and the married... even different races of people. What an honor to be Christ's ambassador.
I also love that fact that I can't do what you do and you can't do what I do. That because of that there is no need for envy... because where God is sending you, I can't go and where He's sending me you can't go either! One of the hardest things for me to recognize at times... is who is meant to take this journey with you and who were meant to teach you something and then move on... that's always been hard. I love hard you know? So when i love you.. .i want you to share in what God has shown and given me... and NOW thank you! lololol... but that's just not how God needs for things to be. I can love you... but i still might have to leave you to do wat God called me to do. For ministry... for ANY type of ministry... things have to quiet down in your personal life so that there can be a healthy balance of home and Him. If not, you'll cause more pain then you intended. V and I are finally at a peaceful place in our lives and marriage... so... guess what time it is now? lololol...yeeew guessed it~~ MINISTRY TIME...
Man, it seem like everytime i speak to my Shannaboo... she drop another level of Wisdom on my forehead and it just encourages me to keep goin'... that it's only "time"...that's all... it's only "time" to do what God spoke in you at your conception. Is it time for everybody?? NO... HECK no... just because everybody around you is moving in Christ doesn't mean you're ready... you can't just walk out of knee surgery and run a marathon can you?? Take your time, go through physical therapy, get your balance back... get to know the new knee better and learn what type of pressure you can put on it before it starts to hurt... do this with your spiritual walk... WE rush... not God... His time, on the other hand, is perfect and perfectly rationed out!
All I ask? Get outta my way... because i'm not stopping.

[[RandomNEss paragraph]]
There is a building across from me coming down and it's beautiful to me... because i what i see is the clearing out of the old in preparation for the new.. thnx to my spiritual eyez i see that in me too... wow... Michelleville is getting a facelift on all fronts.. what a place... it's a bright place... electricity at night still looks like the calming flickerz of candles... harmony is a prerequisite and whatever or whoever brings strife has to leave... effective IMMEDIATELY!! Christ leads and often teaches on every block simultaneously... what a place... hmm... let me stop there because it is, afterall, a secret society that you get in by invitation only! i hear a song right now that has the sharpest harmonies in it...wow... i'm swaying my body back and forth as i listen... it makes me smile because it makes me think about happy stuff ~~~smile~~~ i'm getting a puppy soon... a Boston Terrier... they are super cute... i wonder is it weird that i hate to have living things because i'm afraid they'll die... hmmm... guess that's just a part of life on this side of things. Why am i so irritated by my co workers flip flopz... dang! I have some though, why doesn't it irritate me? I'on know... but i'm constantly worried about whether or not it's irritating someone else...lolol... 'Chelleville stuff...lol.. why do i care about offending others so much? i used to be unabashed about my stuff... but i guess since Jesus took over Michelleville, the whole culture changed... love it! I wonder sometimes if i would be able to break dance and pop lock if my boobz weren't so big...LOLOLOLOLOL... i'm foreal crackin' up about that one....lolololol... HECKY NAW... i still wouldn't be able to... i juss ain't built that way... but i got the baddest two step in town. I think i make God laugh... a LOT... if i told you why, i would have to kill you ...SIKE nah....lololol... but i still aint tellin'... k... i think i'm done... hmmm... oh wait... this is gonna be my sayin' for a while... well at least until sumn else comes up: "LOOK! I don't have an ego...I just love how awesome I am..."
~Michelleville

What I ache for on today...

2008-10-10T08:48:00.000-07:00

hope for so much. It's "much" in my mind because I'm not HE who is able. I know He can do ALL things and I'm no longer afraid to believe that. When I believe that, I can believe Him for greater things than I've ever believed before with the assurance that He'll do what He says He'll do.
Sometimes I wish I could sit in the clouds with a spoon and eat them. I imagine that they taste like cotton candy. I wish I could grab on to a bird and let him take me for a quick flight somewhere. I stare out of the window and just imagine things that give me joy. I know if I can see it, then one day I might just be able to do it.
I love to create things with my hands. I learned to make jewelry after just 30 minutes. I was very impressed with the way God would express Himself through me. I weave baskets, paint pictures, sketch images... and it is, besides praying, the most serene thing that [[Michelle]] could ever do in a quiet moment. I find myself hiding inside of me sometimes. I go into this [{hiding}] place. I imagine that I'm under His wings playing quietly. I'm like a child there in that place. I feel protected and warm. The warmth is coming from Him. There are lots of things going on around me [on the outside] but i can barely even hear them, let alone see them. I eventually just fall asleep while being rocked to sleep underneath those wings.
That's what I ache for today. To just crawl into my hiding place with Jesus and just let Him tell me stories about Heaven. Listen to all the wonderful things that go on there. If I could only just hear Him say that He's coming for me soon. That He will call me up home soon. I miss Him and I don't remember ever seeing Him. If He could just lay His hand on my pain and command it to go away... that I might be healed in my body and my spirit. Not because I deserve it because I never will... but because I believe Him and that He can. Just for Him to touch my hand and surround me with His love and His presence. That's what I ache for on today. If it doesn't look like Jeremiah 29:11... to me... it's not true.

♥Chelleville♥

Motives 4 Money...

2008-10-10T08:34:00.000-07:00

Studying the master's literature gives me an opportunity to hold it up as a mirror to my own life. On today i am wondering about one thing. I wonder what my motives for wanting wealth truly are. And as I examine those motives, i wonder.... Are they wrong? The word talks about when Christ had this interaction with a young man who wanted to know what he could do to achieve eternal life:

Mat 19:16-26 Behold, one came to him and said, "Good teacher, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal life?" (17) He said to him, "Why do you call me good? No one is good but one, that is, God. But if you want to enter into life, keep the commandments." (18) He said to him, "Which ones?" Jesus said, "'You shall not murder.' 'You shall not commit adultery.' 'You shall not steal.' 'You shall not offer false testimony.' (19) 'Honor your father and mother.' And, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'" (20) The young man said to him, "All these things I have observed from my youth. What do I still lack?" (21) Jesus said to him, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have, and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." (22) But when the young man heard the saying, he went away sad, for he was one who had great possessions. (23) Jesus said to his disciples, "Most assuredly I say to you, a rich man will enter into the Kingdom of Heaven with difficulty. (24) Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through a needle's eye, than for a rich man to enter into the Kingdom of God." (25) When the disciples heard it, they were exceedingly astonished, saying, "Who then can be saved?" (26) Looking at them, Jesus said, "With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

I know that all things are possible with God and God only. So i wonder about this wealth thing. My husband and I do want to have wealth and to be comfortable in our lives. Now, this is not to say that we are aiming to be the richest people in the world- but we have our minds fixed on two things: ministry and wealth.
We decided that we would work hard as a family to be well off because we realized that walking the same path Jesus walked wasn't our walk. We tried that and was really serious about wanting to walk where and how Jesus walked. God was in agreement with us. His word says in Matthew 2:19-"Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven." When God agreed we began to receive according to our faith and according to what we had asked. We couldn't keep a car running for ANYTHING because we had agreed that we wanted to live a missionary's life. We had just enough to get by because God said He would provide all our needs but, we didn't agree on having our "wants" provided too. We were constantly ministering.. so much so that we couldn't hardly rest without people coming INTO our resting places desperate for God IN us. We were constantly in motion.... we moved from one job to the next. Not because we weren't capable of keeping a job... but because there were PEOPLE that God needed for us to minister to at each job so we had to keep going to where these people were. City to city... state to state. You wouldn't believe it. We didn't either until one day God woke me up!
He began to lovingly show me that He was only giving me what I asked for. The very desires of my heart. However, my desires weren't in line with the truth of who He made me to be. The really funny thing is. I was asking for that life... but not really fully present with what i was asking for! lol... I was completely confused with how 2 married people could be WORKING but just barely making it. How 3 cars would fail in 3 years. I wasn't quite clear on why i kept moving from job to job and have the only memorable things at each job be the people that i was able to minister to while I was there. It was like as soon as the message from God through me had been clearly conveyed to them ... i was off to another job! wow...The missionary lifestyle isn't meant for everyone. Just like for somebody else, working on cars all day long is a serious passion, but for me, it would feel like unbearable bondage that i would be screaming for God to take from me! lol...
I am confident that since my husband and I have finally come to the realization that that isn't what we want and changed our hearts ... God will give it to us! He didn't hesitate to give us a walk like Christ's. I'm positive that He will give us the walk of David too! LOL... no... we don't want to be rich like David or Solomon for that matter.... but that brings me to my next point==David's wealth was not a sin!
I can't help but to be afraid to obtain wealth... why? Because I want the love of Christ and Heaven more than I want anything ELSE in this world! So i worry that having money will prevent me from getting there.... i don't want anything more than i want eternal life in Heaven. My husband and I will have children...and they deserve a comfortable living provided for them. They deserve parents that aren't struggling to eat... or struggling to get from place to place. People think that when Christ said that He came that we might have life and life more abundantly that He's only talking about financial gain. He was also talking about the quality of life... quality of things that mean more than money as well and we want those things too.
So...Why Do I want wealth? I want wealth because i have struggled my whole life. I don't want my kids or my husband to struggle in our latter years too! I also have charities and organizations i want to run one day... i can't do that broke and homeless! I want to be able to travel and enjoy my marriage in creative ways. I'm always honest with God about what my desires are because if my desires are wrong He can tell me whether or not they are wrong. I mean, God made it clear of 2 things: The way Christ walke was not wrong (of course) but also that David's life as a wise and rich King wasn't wrong either.
My question to God: Where is the middle? Jesus was a single man when He was here... His only worry WAS the "Church"... I don't think it's a coincidence that God asks that the Husbands love their wives the way that Christ loved the church. The husband should be focused on loving his wife and caring for her. They compared a husband's love for his wife to the way Jesus loves the "church"...i believe it's because God knows that a married man's (and woman's)cares will be for his/her family... which means our FIRST ministry IS our marriage. right?
When i asked God these things, I felt a release in my spirit and in my life... like i was finally on to something.... things began to get easier... really easy... going to work was more of an opportunity and not just a burden... looking into school and business ideas was a pleasure and not a confusing mess... It feels like God is telling me i'm on the right path now... but...
....are these desires selfish and sinful? That's the question i have for all of you who are getting to know God for themselves... are my desires considered a sin? Am I going to be the camel trying to get through the needle when it's all said and done?

♥=Chelle'ville=♥

QUICK Testimony about my Hair Journey

2008-10-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

I'm very passionate about a lot of things and this is one of them. My natural journey is a highly spiritual one. A journey where I am desperately trying to get back and REMAIN in what God originally made me to be. I was living a LYE... AND a lie... very afraid of my natural beauty. Trying to cover myself up roots and all. Trying to just "blend in" because I felt that if anyone got too close to me and saw my imperfections... then they'd leave me... instantly. One of those imperfections in my mind was my hair. While it was only the outer shell... it was so status quo that nobody could see anything other than shiny straight hair- every hair was in place and FLAT!--just like everybody else--- "If you can't beat em, join em"- was my motto. I was putting perm in my hair every TWO weeks because my hair was sooo thick and wavy... at the slightEST kink or wave- off to the store to get my African Pride perm, which to me, the name alone is the ultimate slap in the face! The perms damaged my scalp so bad that i'm not sure i'll ever come back from it! One day, after being in intense prayer asking God to restore me to what He originally made me to be... He took me over to the mirror. He said to my spirit, "You deny me in your body, you want to be what I originally made- start from the head down to your toes"... I looked in the mirror hard like, "what?" When my eyes reach the top of my head I realized what God was saying... I denied what He originally made my hair to look like! (among other things) Did i think God made a mistake with my hair??? I DID call hair "good or bad hair" ... and i truly believed that this was a true statement. How wrong I was!! If God made it, it is perfect and good. WE can choose to make it bad or evil... but God CAN'T make a mistake... soooo... i was wrong. That day I took scissors to my head and cut off ALL my perm... and rocked it hard. I was soooo happy that I had done it. I realized that my Dad in Heaven could never make a mistake and that my original "Blue Print" had to be much better than what I TRIED to make it. So I surrendored and let God take the wheel. What's funny is now, the more messy, kinky and wild my hair looks, the more i love it. I'm a perfect imperfection and i love me...While not everybody's experience will be like mine... i'm glad this is how i came to be a Happy Nappy... I hope it inspires someone else to question their motives for perming their hair and to come to the ulitimate conclusion that... GOD CAN'T MAKE MISTAKES... and HE didn't make one on you either... Be Blessed and learn to have PURPOSE in all you do...

Leaping

2008-05-15T07:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like i'm jumpin' off of a cliff with no real net! But I know that's a lie straight out of the pits of hell. I feel God presenting us with a choice of making a different choice in the way we make money. Have to admit, I'm nervous! I'm afraid of making the wrong decision. Making a decision that God doesn't want us to make. I really don't want to be outside of His will... pray saints! I want to win when I step out on faith this time!